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[Potman]

It is a tale of courage, of friendship, of love! An epic story of overcoming great obstacles! A legendary story like no other!

Once upon a time, in a faraway land named Loomba, lived two hundred ants, who decided to sleep all day long. And so they did, and they snored very loud, thus disturbing the other Loomban animals. The most disturbed animal was the wolf, who was so angry that he died in his wrath. And when the top of the food chain had fallen, nothing could stop the ants from taking over! Nothing!
Their ingenious plan for conquering Loomba had begun. Its next phase would be to fill the entire country with sugar pieces, that were sold in a tiny little shop in a tiny little village. But they were very expensive, that the ants couldn't afford. Thus, they moved to plan B, which was to jump over the shopkeeper using their magic shoes, that they got after defeating the magical Wizard of Yeldir - but they had a disasterous flaw: When in contact with tomato sauce bottle, they would fall from the feet. Sometimes even right in the middle of a hot dog.
This was unacceptable, so the Antz moved to plan C, which was to conquer the whole world using Hiccup Powder (tm). They began from the dear old George W. Bush, who, unfortunately, only received extreme diarrhea. But thanks to this, he had to resign from his position and move to country, where he lived his life happily ever after with his sheep, as a pig farmer.
The Antz grinned, and happily marched towards their next target: Adolf Hitler, who was secretly ruling the USA behind the scenes for all these years, without changing his underwear even once, or washing his toes or armpits. He had heard that there was a "slightly" nuts DoomRL fan, who had taken his Nazi oath without Hitler's permission.
Thus Hitler, utterly oblivious of The Antz's crusade, executed this player right in the middle of an interview, that was aired live from Namibia, where the player was horribly torturing the people by pulling out his own nosehair. Once this was over, he decided to go over to his grandma to have apple pie, but unfortunately he had no more legs, because, as you all remember, he had just been executed.
So the player was sent to his grandma in a coffin. Upon seeing this, the grandma was was terribly shocked, and committed seppuku. Ittoo Oogami, who just happened to be around, committed kaishaku. Hitler grinned horribly, but his grin was instantly changed into a gasp of horror, when The Antz stormed to him, screaming their horrible war cry: "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!". Hitler responded: "MINE'S A NEGATIVE!", and pulled a metallic toothbrush holder and a compeletely unused toothbrush from his pocket. The Antz, angry with this, pulled from their own pocket the terrible Cow Head, filled with Hiccup Powder (tm), after which they bit Adolf to his toe, who decided to hang himself from a tree and died. ...Or did he?
Victorious, The Antz danced their victory polka, singing "You're not a warrior, you're a beginner!". But Adolf was only pretending to be dead, and had already summoned his national SS guard, who were already arriving with their brand new Trabant -72, armed with yellow windshields and hair dice, although one of them had lost its numbers. Hitler ordered 200 jews to find the lost spots.
But the jews slipped on a soap in the shower, so mr. Hilter ordered them all to be executed in a pressure kettle. Afterwards he decided, armed with a doughnut, to go to hell, but then remembered how he had to take his revenge for The Antz for his toothbrush tube. So he died in his sorrow, and the Hiccup Powder (tm) filled Cow Head became so happy that he decided to go and sing karaoke and drink Sock Sweat, and had a terrible inspiration of revenge to the neighbouring country known as Zaibah.
The Cow Head disguised himself with long hair, picked up his signature weapon VarHammer, and chanting horrible curses marched towards the enemy lines. But on the border he tripped on a large stump and fell, right on his VarHammer, losing his consciousness. Meanwhile Hitler was suffering in hell, which was actually pretty cold place. "Hell's frozen over," he said between his shackling teeth. He decided to go looking for his friends, and eventually ended up on the beaches of the Burning Lake.
There were his old friends Stalin and Lenin, doing some fishing, and debating about which one was better in leading the Soviet Union. Suddenly, Saddam Hussein arrived, along with John F. Kennedy, hands together like lovers. "I want too," said Hitler, but unfortunately couldn't find himself a buddy. So he just went with the other bachelors, to find Saddam's old sock.
Meanwhile, George W. Bush (Senior) had already found the particular sock, and tied it around his neck, which made him (very very) mad. In great anger, he let out his aggression and transformed into Devil Man, a horrible monster, with inhuman strength and huge pants. And I'm talking about HUMONGOUS, absolutely massive granny pants, with two pounds of soy protein powder, as it's good for skin. Devil Man Bush was bored and annoyed of billions of boring years in hell, so he ripped off his pants, cursing "Like Mother Like Sun" as he did (meaning his son, Chimpman W. Bush Junior). Under his pants was revealed an embarrassingly small lipstick, that Devil-George had forgotten there sometime being a president and that understandably ran away screaming. George was embarrassed of this, and cast the amazing "Summon Nintendo Magazine" spell, getting a hard-back magazine, number 5/06, that also glowed in the dark. It was cool.
Devil-George sat on the magazine, looked around, and lurched towards the spice shelf, but tripped on the oregano jar, which made him even more angry. He powerupped and teleported from hell to a place named Loomba, where the entire story begun. There he stuck his head to the ant-hill of those particular 200 ants, who happily walked inside the Devil-George's nostrils, even though they usually didn't walk in their sleep. In the nose there was a massive chain reaction, that resulted in a huge nuclear explosion and the end of the world.
But in a compeletely another dimension, Super Mario lived in a Bursti-Wursti-Wax World, that was full of Wax wax. Super Mario and the other Bursti-Wursti-Wax World inhabitants used the Wax wax to cover the trails Luigi's (Mario's brother) face made on their leather boots. And they danced on Luigi's face all days, until Sonic the Hedgehog appeared to pay his debts. To everyone. With a lightning speed, he pulled a Bible from his coat, and Mario armed himself with The Origin of Species, by Charles Darwin. And they proceeded to beat each other with the books until the end of the worlds, in a place called Chaosforge Forum, where Blade was happily waiting for this reunion, having some Special Non-Alcoholic Beer. This is when arrived his arch-enemy Malek Deneith, who seemed oddly calm when we remember how Blade beat him in DoomRL for one thousandth, fifth hundred, thirty-seventh time. But he didn't give up, instead challenging the champion every week.
After a few (non-alcoholic) beer, Blade was so drunk that he couldn't tell the difference between a computer and a mirror, and Malek used the situation for his advantage, shooting Blade with a shotgun to the head, but unfortunately the shells just flew past him since he was in god mode. And he laughed, pretty hard. Malek didn't like this and decided to bring bigger guns to bear, so he armed himself with two MAC-10s and fired million bullets using Bullet Time, but tripped on the table and hit his head to Blade's computer. This caused a massive rumble and grumble in the time-space continuum, and suddenly Malek found himself from Ilhar's bed, who was in a hangover, and seeing him, said: "I will never again drink anyone beautiful!". Confused, Malek ran straight to the nearest bar to clear his head.
In the bar, he saw to his horror, that he was getting terribly bald, so he decided to tell all his sorrows to the barman, Peter the Orangutan. Peter was displeaced, and decided to end his sufferings: He smashed a glass bottle to the table, and used it to hit Kornel Kisielewicz, who was sitting next to Malek. But what did Kornel do in the bar? Malek woke him up and demanded that he'd join Alcoholics Anonymous with him. "Come on, we've got all the cool people such as Azak Al-Rayhem, Bill Stone, Arnold Brightwater and Charles Yates." Kornel looked him straight into his black, evil eyes, and said: "Very well, Mr. Malek Deneith, but only if you defeat me in a fair battle. This is a question of honor."
The bar around them blew up in atoms. Grinning, Kornel jumped to his Timberwolf class mecha, while Malek chose his tiny Mini Cooper, and began to dance Trepak without giving a damn to the approaching Kornel and his robot, and the terrible sounds it left. Thud, thud, thud, said the little alien from a small world, whose most prominent attribute was his neon brown cuff stud in the middle nostril of his left nose, that was right on the middle of his forehead. The thing pulled a two-handed sword from his pocket, snarled, and attacked Kornel, hissing angrily. Actually it was a member of a world-eating mammal species known as Grunting Bum Compressor Activation Switch, that helped to many problems and troubles.
Around this time Kornel started to get pretty angry, and he yelled at Malek: "Malek, you're not taking me seriously, so die!". A gleam of madness in his eye, and a thirst for blood in his veins, he charged his Timberwolf towards Malek. But suddenly arrived an ice cream truck, that was driven by no other than Blade! He treated them with ice cream, that tasted like nuclear waste, so Malek asked "Damn you Blade, can't you have any other kind of job after the nuclear apocalypse of AWN than to sell Baskin Robbins nuclear waste ice creams!" "Yeah, Dairy Queen is better!", Kornel added. And Blade responded: "You didn't see me here today. Planet Venus is bright at this time of the year. You saw planet Venus."
But Malek and Kornel had grown bored to his explanations, instead continuing their epic battle, this time pulling out some super-weapons. In their wrath, however, their powers skyrocketed, they gained 30 levels, and generated to Super Saiyans. Even the stupidity has limits (but a barking dog won't bite).
"Grrrrr!!", growled Malek.
"Mrrrrr!!", growled Kornel.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!", growled Malek.
"MRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!", growled Kornel.
"Well, um...", mumbled Blade, and left.
And so Kornel and Malek growled at each other for the rest of the day, and when the sun set, they finally started to fight. A bunch of squirrels watched, with mingled feelings of fear and respect, how these two galactic warriors fought over the (temporary) lordship of the entire universe. But then they became angry, because the battle was a tie, and wanted Blade to come and declare the winner, as Blade was well known for not being very impartial, the fact that made everyone respect him more than John Romero's hair. Thus they all took a lot of money and bought 237 gallons of Smurf Cola, as well as 2 hot dogs with lots of cetchup. Drinking all that stuff took all their strength, so after this they decided to take a nap. But the Smurf Cola did its job, transforming them into small, blue creatures with white hats.
From this, Blade was very inspired, and jumped to his HHMMWV-jeep, beginning to drive towards the Smurf Land, which could, as everyone knows, be accessed through sewers in Brooklyn. But halfway there he met the Cow Head, still filled with Hiccup Powder (tm), who had woken up and destroyed Zaibah. Without blinking, Blade challenged him to a match of original Doom Deathmatch (No BFG, no Invulnerability globes, Final Destination): At stake would be the entire universe, as well as two more bottles of Smurf Cola.
The winner of this terrible battle was, sure enough, the still unbeatable Blade. But the Cow Head said: "I'll be back!", and vanished with a puff of logic. Blade decided that he would need to prepare for the upcoming, even more terrible battle. This he accomplished by getting sugar high (that is to say, eating five pounds of pure sugar and getting totally crazy), as this would be The Final Battle Ever. Finally the time for leaving was at hand, and so Blade said goodbye to his sidekick and secret lover - Maria Gonzales. He headed to the battlefield, where the Cow Head was already waiting for him. The two gazed at each other very angrily, the spirit force around Blade began to vibrate in red color, and the horrible battle began...

[Potman]

...to bore the Playstation player crowd before it had even started. To this, Blade and Cow Head commented in unison: "Away from the earthly realm, far away, where the light has never gone, and ever will (unless someone for some reason goes there with a flashlight)!" But luckily Blade's got used to dark places, and he saw Maria Gonzales, who begged him to beat the Cow Head, for the Fate of All Universes of All Ages was in his hands. Then he woke up from the battlefield and pulled a samurai sword from somewhere. His eyes began to glow with bright red light, and with an unending rage he transformed into Super Saiyan. "WAAAARRGHH! For all the worlds and universes I will destroy you, Cow Head!", he screamed and jumped towards his opponent, who screamed of pure horror and leapt to the wall screaming "No one can be told what AWN is. You have too see DeathBerzerker for your self!". Then, with a slow-motion, he took a poké ball from his pocket and pushed it to his sleeve, that had ripped off in the previous battle like destiny, and so he roared the pain of his life. But the contents of this poké ball fused with the Cow Head, resulting in a Smiling Child, the most annoying creature ever. The Child used its terrible smile, so that Blade would have an heart attack and run away, but surprisingly he didn't flinch, instead pulling our a camera and yelling:
"Holy Death Terror Electromagnetic Punch!"
The horrible super attack hit straight on the Child.
"Wiped the smile off your face, ha ha haa!", Blade boasted, but then noticed that the Smiling Child was unharmed: He had written GOD on his console. Angry, Blade lectured about the damgers and immoralities of multiplayer cheating, but then the Child's head began to grow, until it was the size of a melon. But Blade had, secretly, ordered a sniper to position, and once the Child's head was big enough, he heard "Gold sniper, sights are hot!". Blade responded "Snipers, fire!", and the melon head burst into pieces. But the match wasn't over yet, as it was only the round one, and then the Smiling Child had already grown up a new head. "Sniper fag!", he yelled to his opponent, and powered up. Then he made a super attack named Rocket Jump, jumping over Blade, loading his AK-47 with cow pee, and firing and firing and firing at Blade until he farted. Embarrased, Blade grew even more angry, and achieved the next Super Saiyan level. Using his new cool powers he began to swing air. Air got angry and left the battle arena, causing the Smiling Child to choke and die, but Blade survived, as he was wearing a scuba gear.
Satisfied, he went home, and slumped to his armchair, saying: "Ahh, finally some vacation! All those chaotic battles with strange enemies are in the past! At last I can fully concentrate on founding a Pokémon farm, and collecting Morris Minis!" Unfortunately, a mean neighbour had captured all his pokémons, so Blade decided to forget all the crap about turning the other cheek, digging up an old sawed-off shotgun from his secret weapon stash. "Groovy," he said, and wrote a horribly cruel rant to AWN forums about the neighbour, also asking Malek to mock him. But Malek was preoccupied by a large bucket of Smurf Cola he had found.
"Boy, I'd like to drink that shit," he thought, when suddenly Blade jumped to the room, straight on the Smurf Cola, creating a massive pressure wave that caused Malek to beat the crap out of Ilhar. This made Ilhar very angry, and he growled: "Damn youth of the day! When I was your age, you'd have to commit seppuku of such actions!"
"Dishonourable don't deserve to live," he continued. "Must be one of those poor video gamers," Blade whispered to Malek. "Poor guy."
"This is highly illogical, captain," Malek responded.
That's when something snapped in Blade's head.
"Are you one of Them, too?", he hissed to Malek.
"Them? What them?", the other asked.
"Well Them!", Blade hissed. "I mean, of course, the middle-sized middle-aged squirrels who show their middle fingers to everyone, and howl with awful voices while sniffing glue!"
"Oh me?", Malek asked. "Oh heavens no, everyone knows that I'm a human/saiya-jin, paladin/white knight, as well as Legally Unpleasant Killing Machine, who dreams of world conquest every day, and whose favourite hobby is, instead of glue sniffing, gas drinking, which is extremely recommended! Even Tony Blair has confessed that he hates such people!"
That's when Blade gained a fateful flashback. So he screamed "I have a bunch of coconuts!". Malek also had a fateful flashback, and so he took three coconuts from Blade, that he was going to use to execute some libanonian prisoners, that had hated AW just 15 minutes ago. But they weren't very effective weapons, and thus the convicts managed to escape his wrath, ending up in BDR's room, where she growled and roared and spoke ancient norwegian and swore over her mother's grave: "I will never again drink punch with raisins on it!"
Despite this, the libanonians managed to gather enough courage to hide to the closet from the wrath of this female demon. This might not have been a very nice move either, as this particular closet was narrow and crowded, and had the awful smell of Ilhar's unwashed sock that had been forgotten there. The libanonians gathered all their strength and united to together sniff this sock, and breath its stinky air. BDR was already wondering how they enjoyed their time in their closet so much, when suddenly they came out, as one of them had been shot with AK-47, while another was taken prisoner and tortured in horrible ways by forcing him to watch the entire Gurren Lagann in one sitting - which he actually enjoyed very much. Meanwhile, Santiago Zapata was explaining to everyone how masturbation was compeletely harmless way of spending time, which was actually a horrible and stinking lie and compelete bullshit. Santiago got hurt of such comments, pulled a shotgun from his pocket, and fired the closest person in the room, which was Malek, who had come there chasing the libanonians. While firing he said: "Suck bullet you scum!"
Horribly bleeding and mad, Malek recited (that is to say, responded): "That hurt like hell, but no matter, as it missed!". Now it was his turn to strike, as the entire battle was turn based. He grabbed the frozen and helpless Santiago and hanged him from a meathook. As he was slowly choking to death, Malek, overcome with sadistic pleasure, put on a hockey mask, and pulled a chainsaw from his jacket. "Nga ha ha ha ha..." He laughed, as he turned it on.
Just then the door slammed open, and inside stepped two massive apes, both having merrily coloured rubber chickens in their hands, along with a Smiling Child -collection card came card and a bottle of legendary Smurf Cola. The first ape, named Jojo (the 33rd reincarnation of the Space Hedgehog) noticed the murderous Malek and growled: "Alakazam". This teleported Blade to the scene, who happily said: "Today is a good day to die!". Then he left his card, that said "Blade Was Here" to the apes, which horribly shocked Ilhar, who said: "Oh golly gee, where is this world going to!". Blade ignored him and decided to take the justice to his own hands and become a vigilante. "I am the law!", he screamed, and beat Ilhar's brain over the great fields where Malek was was raising sheep and green chickens, that Blade sneezed to death. Shocked, Malek walked to him and said: "Hey Blade, how about eating all that pepper through your mouth instead of your nose from now on!" Then Blade sat on a hedgehog.

The End.

[Adral]

Words.

Thou shalt burn in hell for this. Better yet, thou shalt spend an eternity of Smurf Cola sniffing for this heresy.

(It seems like someone was a wee bit bored :P)

[Potman]

Thou shalt burn in hell for this. Better yet, thou shalt spend an eternity of Smurf Cola sniffing for this heresy.

Mayeth I ask what part offended thee so much?

(It seems like someone was a wee bit bored :P)

You guesseds it.

[Adral]

Mayeth I ask what part offended thee so much?

I was just joking. I actually read all that... so it seems it's not only you who were bored. :P

[Kornel Kisielewicz]

This story sounds as if it were written on some drug, or autogenerated -- judging by the authors nick, I'd guess the former :P.

BTW, AA? No Way -- there's a saying here in Poland : Better be a Known Drunk, than an Anonymous Alcoholic ^_^

[Zeb]

A ctrl+F for "Zeb" yielded no results. I am highly disappointed.

[Santiago Zapata]

Wow... It is unfair how Malek can move in a real time realm while I helplessly watch him hanging me on a meathook, I am glad however to have such great friends as my apes and Blade. Thank you boys, you rock!

Its 12:30 AM... I guess having read this will make me arrive late at work tomorrow. Cool.

(Yes, I read it ALL :P )

[Silhar]

I've been killed by a legend ! Whoa !

Gee, what stuff ye're addicting, Pot ? I want one of those ! Pleeeaaseee...

[Potman]

Gee, what stuff ye're addicting, Pot ? I want one of those ! Pleeeaaseee...

Manatees.

[Malek Deneith]

* Malek Deneith gets hit by wall of text

Uh what? Seriously you should edit it at least a bit to give it an semblance of readability (only skimmed through, not crazy enough today to read it).

And cut down on those mushrooms of hallucination... ;)

[Potman]

* Malek Deneith gets hit by wall of text

Uh what? Seriously you should edit it at least a bit to give it an semblance of readability (only skimmed through, not crazy enough today to read it).

You've had a month and two days to read it. It's readable enough, in that time.

And cut down on those mushrooms of hallucination... ;)

Never!

[Malek Deneith]

You've had a month and two days to read it. It's readable enough, in that time.

Not really actually - I managed to miss this thread somehow untill today :/ 'sides it's more about form of the text (wall of text hurts more than cacodemons) than time :P

[Daqin]

I didn't read the whole story however this is definitely my favorite fragment:

"You didn't see me here today. Planet Venus is bright at this time of the year. You saw planet Venus."