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1

Discussion / The official ChaosForge Discord channel

« on: October 24, 2017, 12:40 »

Recently looking at the forum and actually engaging in some communication with current Inquisitorial staff made me realize that:

a) Since I stopped bothering with setting up an IRC client on latest hardware upgrade, my only means of communicating with those fine people is through this boards... and I visit like once every two months or so

b) ...hey, that reminds me there is a bunch of people still lurking on zombified corpse of what once was the official #Chaosforge IRC channel

So I decided to spend all of five minutes of my precious, precious time and thrown us together a barebone Discord channel. I mean, back when JH kickstarter was going on I breached the topic with Kornel, and he said he planned to do it post-KS... but he hasn't done it to date unless I'm mistaken, and I know such things can move at glacial pace here, so I decided to take initiative :P

So come, join and talk. About Jupiter Hell, older ChaosForge games, and other stuff. Or just lurk. Whatever rocks your collective boats. You're welcome. Unless you're a spambot. Invite link (note - I set having verified email on Discord as requirement for talking, just as a minor precaution at any spambots crawling to the link or something): https://discord.gg/P9ZA7hx

PS. For those not in the know Discord is essentially modern-day IRC, only decentralized, new, shiny, and doesn't require a client if you don't want to install one (it can be run in browser).

2

Discussion / New Doom 1 map by John Romero.

« on: January 16, 2016, 08:49 »

If you haven't heard already, after 21 years of not making Doom related stuff John Romero put out a Doom 1 map. To be specific it's a replacement map for E1M8. And he's still got the touch - the map is damn good and damn hard. You can find the download link on Romero's twitter (pinned tweet) or use a mirror I made for a friend (since John's dropbox seems to have been hit pretty hard and it barely loads): https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/15336046/e1m8b.zip

Rip and Tear!

PS. Watch out for the cracks on the floor.

3

Play-By-Forum / Chaosforge 4e PBF - IC

« on: February 11, 2014, 08:51 »

Almost twelve days have passed since you left from Fallcrest responding to a call for help from settlement of Winterhaven, placed about 50 miles to northwest. There you spent a week figuring things out. Missing townspeople led to zombies wandering around. Zombies led to nearby ruins of an outpost remembering times of Nerath empire, ruins that were positively crawling with various undead. And ruins led to a half-open magical portal of some sort, placed deep inside of them. On that you managed to learn a story - how about ten years ago another adventuring party went down to the very ruins to stop some cultist or necromancer from using the magical aparatus for his own malicious goal. Neither the adventurers nor the necromancer ever came back, and people of Winterhaven went on believing the previous party stopped the evil at cost of their very own lives. A belief that turned out to be based on false premises considering the recent infestation. Regardless you cleared the undead in the area, then re-sealed the portal - hopefully for good this time - using a ritual that local sage managed to find in his tomes.

Just as you were about to spend some time on rest and celebration, ruler of Winterhaven - Lord Ernest Padraig - called you once more, this time with news on how during your absence the weather in Fallcrest and areas around it suddenly turned from middle of summer to winter, and how this unnatural winter is supposedly spreading. Padraig asked, paying in advance, that you travel back to Fallcrest and check those reports, ideally figuring out what is the cause, and communicate the information you learn back to him once you know what's happening. Weary as you might be after your recently finished task you set out back south and east. At first it seemed the news might be false, weather near Winterhaven seemingly as it should be. But about five miles down the road you noticed that the air got cooler and that plants around you are starting to wither prematurely. Ten more and you find yourself wading through snow, and as you got closer to Fallcrest things only got worse. Deep snow, frozen rivers, snowstorms. The few areas where people were brave enough to try and settle outside of strong walls of established settlements now delerict and devoid of life. The winter seems to have got better over even monsters and brigands, the only "threat" you encounter during your journey back being a single goblin trying to gather some firewood. Now, finally, you seem to be nearing your destination, the walls of Fallcrest looming on the horizon. Just ten, twenty maybe minutes of walk more and perhaps you'll learn something about what is happening around you...

Right, some room for you to talk before we start proper. Introduce/describe yourselves, chat a bit, you know the drill.

As a result of Padraig's payment each of you has now 100 gold pieces - no more, no less :P Hope that answers your question about having any change LuckyDee. Also anyone who didn't have Adventurer's Kit in their inventory now has one.

Oh and as for how long the party was formed - Fallcrest was pretty low on people with adventurer "gift" when the call from Winterhaven came, most other adventurers being busy with different threats around the world. You're the people they managed to put together on short notice ;)

4

Play-By-Forum / Chaosforge 4e PBF - OOC

« on: January 30, 2014, 07:54 »

No one remembers how it started. Even the oldest known scriptures describe the world around you as torn by a struggle between good and evil, light and dark. At times the forces of light prevail and the world enters a period of peace and prosperity, like in the times of an ancient unnamed empire described in crumbling texts studied by scholars, when two races united and brought civilization to lands around them. But the forces of darkness are never far away; always searching for a way to reestablish their dominance. Even the empire of old was unable to last on, eventually splitting into two separate ones - Arkhosia an Bael Turath, which then warred until one of the races got nearly wiped out and both lost their claim to glory, perhaps forevermore.

This cycle of civilization building up and getting torn down repeated many times, with last great empire, Nerath, coming from efforts of humans and ending with great war against marauding gnoll hordes. It has been over a century and a half since that time, and yet again honest folk are covering in their houses and barricading their towns to stave off monsters and brigands. To their rescue come Adventurers: great heroes born randomly - and worryingly rarely - with ability to tap into powers beyond mortal ken. Able to achieve feats unreachable for normal people, survive wounds that'd fell lesser men and sometimes even cheat death they face off against threats to civilization. And among these Adventurers... are you.

Elemental Damage Weapons
- Lightning Kopesh (Gosok) - Active
- Frost Dagger (Isirius) - Disabled
- Flaming Flail (Quill) - Active

Experience

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

- 3,750 xp (starting)
- 240 xp (CotWK 1: Sky Raiders)
- 210 xp (CotWK 2: A Warm Welcome)

Total: 4,200/5,500

Stats Average For Campaign

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Note: "Attacks" is a shorthand for amount of targets you've damaged or attempted to damage by using various powers over the battle. If Quill used Cleave to hit two targets it means two "attacks" for stats (including one made without an attack roll). If Isirius hit a target with Flesh Rend and then again next round it also counts as two "attacks" as well.

Berak
Total Damage Dealt - 185
Damage Dealt / Battle - 92.50
Total Damage Taken - 19
Damage Taken / Battle - 9.50
Total Healing Done - 0
Healing Done / Battle - 0.00
Total Attacks - 16 (including 0 made without an attack roll)
Total Hits - 13 (81% accuracy)
Total Critical Hits - 3 (23% critical ratio)
Average Damage Per Round - 18.50
Average Damage Per Attack - 11.56

Gosok Skyborn
Total Damage Dealt - 80
Damage Dealt / Battle - 40.00
Total Damage Taken - 33
Damage Taken / Battle - 16.50
Total Healing Done - 30
Healing Done / Battle - 15.00
Total Attacks - 9 (including 0 made without an attack roll)
Total Hits - 7 (78% accuracy)
Total Critical Hits - 0 (0% critical ratio)
Average Damage Per Round - 8.00
Average Damage Per Attack - 8.89

Isirius Thray
Total Damage Dealt - 141
Damage Dealt / Battle - 70.50
Total Damage Taken - 82
Damage Taken / Battle - 41.00
Total Healing Done - 20
Healing Done / Battle - 10.00
Total Attacks - 13 (including 3 made without an attack roll)
Total Hits - 9 (90% accuracy)
Total Critical Hits - 0 (0% critical ratio)
Average Damage Per Round - 14.10
Average Damage Per Attack - 10.85

Marek
Total Damage Dealt - 155
Damage Dealt / Battle - 77.50
Total Damage Taken - 74
Damage Taken / Battle - 37.00
Total Healing Done - 53
Healing Done / Battle - 26.50
Total Attacks - 13 (including 0 made without an attack roll)
Total Hits - 10 (77% accuracy)
Total Critical Hits - 0 (0% critical ratio)
Average Damage Per Round - 15.50
Average Damage Per Attack - 11.92

Quill
Total Damage Dealt - 213
Damage Dealt / Battle - 106.50
Total Damage Taken - 29
Damage Taken / Battle - 14.50
Total Healing Done - 0
Healing Done / Battle - 0.00
Total Attacks - 16 (including 1 made without an attack roll)
Total Hits - 13 (87% accuracy)
Total Critical Hits - 2 (17% critical ratio)
Average Damage Per Round - 21.30
Average Damage Per Attack - 13.31

Overall Damage Done - 774
Overall Damage Received - 237
Overall Healing Done - 103
Monster of the campaign - Bortek (78 damage dealt)

Killing Blows

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Berak
- Bortek, Human Barbarian
- Decrepit Skeleton x 2
- Flesh-Crazed Zombie x 1
- Skeleton x 1
- Zombie Shambler x 1

Gosok Skyborn
- Dire Wolf x 1
- Flesh-Crazed Zombie x 1

Isirius Thray
- Dire Wolf x 1
- Gnome Illusionist x 1
- Zombie Shambler x 1

Marek
- Decrepit Skeleton x 2
- Zombie Shambler x 1

Quill
- Decrepit Skeleton x 1
- Skeleton x 2
- Zombie Shambler x 2

Map Legend


Status Icons

- "Hearts Icon" will be used as indication for regeneration
- Bloodied isn't present on the above list - it's a icon similar to "Heart's Icon" but with blood drops instead of hearts. You'll learn to recognize it soon enough anyway

Die Roller
http://orokos.com/roll/

Character Creation Guidelines and Houserules
- Character Level 4
- Magic Items of level 5, 4 and 3 (one each) as well as 680 gp to spend on any further magic items (for new people - it is reccomended you prioritize getting a weapon, some sort of armor and possibly a neck item)
- You get to pick a Theme but NOT a Background (to clear up potential confusion from new people Background in this context means one of the ones that provide a minor mechanical bonus not backstory written by you ;P)
- No evil alignment
- Available classes:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

• Weaponmaster (a.k.a. Fighter) [Martial Defender]
• Knight [Martial Defender]
• Scoundrel (a.k.a. Rogue) [Martial Striker]
• Marshal (a.k.a. Warlord) [Martial Leader]
• Cavalier [Divine Defender]
• Templar (a.k.a. Cleric) [Divine Leader]
• Runepriest [Divine Leader]
• Invoker [Divine Controller]
• Sorcerer [Arcane Striker]
• Hexblade [Arcane Striker]
• Bard [Arcane Leader]
• Arcanist (a.k.a. Wizard) [Arcane Controller]
• Warden [Primal Defender]
• Barbarian [Primal Striker]
• Druid [Primal Controller]
• Protector [Primal Controller]
• Battlemind [Psionic Defender]
• Monk [Psionic Striker]
• Ardent [Psionic Leader]
• Psion [Psionic Controller]

- Available races:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

• Deva
• Dragonborn
• Dwarf
• Eladrin
• Elf
• Githzerai
• Half-elf
• Halfling
• Human
• Kalashta
• Kobold
• Mul
• Shardmind
• Tiefling
• Warforged

- Available themes:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

• Bloodsworn
• Cipher
• Deep Delver
• Earthforger
• Escaped Thrall
• Explorer
• Firecrafter
• Ghost of the Past
• Guardian
• Guttersnipe
• Ironwrought
• Knight Hospitaler
• Mercenary
• Occultist
• Outlaw
• Primordial Adept
• Scholar
• Seer
• Watershaper
• Windlord

- Free +1/+2/+3 to attacks and non-AC defenses at levels 1/11/21. And an Epic <Defense> feat equivalent at level 21 (hahahaha, yeah right as if we'll last *that* long)
- All expertise feats, feat Robust Defenses and similar, as well as Great Fortitude/Lightning Reflexes/Iron Will feats (and their superior counterparts) are not available
- Racial encounter powers are usable twice per encounter but only once per round
- At milestone you regain use of one daily power (not couning magic item powers) chosen by you in addition to getting an action point

Spoiler: "Original Post" (click to show/hide)

Bored.

Booooored.

Bored, bored, boooooooooored.

So anyhow I figured I might as well check - anyone interested in D&D 4e? I'll admit I'm not holding much hope here considering how my last attempt at Hackmaster flopped due to lack of players, but eh... asking doesn't hurt, right?


This is me not anticipating much

5

Graveyard / Hackmaster 4e IC - Dungeons the Crawling

« on: September 22, 2013, 07:15 »

Prologue - Pick up my sword, it's time to do business

You meet in a tavern over a frosty mug of ale...

...

... oh how you wish it were that simple. Instead you wake up in what seems a small clerical station, to memories of being beat up by a bunch of thugs, and feeling of whacked heads. Thankfully you don't seem to find any permanent damage - ah the wonders of clerical healing: they take away hurt, leave the pain. There is an acolyte in the room that you are stationed in but it seems he didn't notice you two waking up yet - he seems to be more preoccupied with person lain on the third sickbed. Judging the nonsense the last person seems to be spounting - you catch something about dungeons made of solid gold and guarded by three headed firebreathing ogres - he must have been hit on the head harder than you were, but oddly enough the acolyte seems to be intent on writing down his feverish raving.

Spoiler: "GM Notes" (click to show/hide)

Right, decided to go with a slower entry post rather than full out infodump for start so the ball is in your park. Jasper and Gard are awake, Sho Lee is still... unwell, but that won't last long I promise.

Klear - if you appear again and see it: Your character will be worked in somehow at later point, assuming you get back and finish the creation. For now we started three strong just to keep the game going.

6

Forum / PM system is broken

« on: September 11, 2013, 07:47 »

* Malek Deneith walks in, takes out a hammer and hammers in a nail in the wall. On that nail he hangs a sign with text written on it in what seems to be blood of some unfortunate small animal

The ability to send forum PMs is broken. We captured and hold Guts/Gattsu hostage. Fix the PM system or we'll have him deported to be a protagonist in a generic, low budget harem anime.

* Malek Deneith ponders for a moment then nail a smaller parchment to the sign

   

    Error 403
     
    We're sorry, but we could not fulfill your request for /index.php?action=pm;sa=send2 on this server.
     
    You do not have permission to access this server. Before trying again, close your browser, run anti-virus and anti-spyware software and remove any viruses and spyware from your computer.
     
    Your technical support key is: 5949-40b0-b40c-8ddc
     
    You can use this key to fix this problem yourself.
     
    If you are unable to fix the problem yourself, please contact the WEBMA5TER and be sure to provide the technical support key shown above.

7

Graveyard / Hackmaster 4e OOC - Skulls for the GM Shield, Kills for the TPK Throne

« on: August 13, 2013, 08:24 »

Active Characters:
Jasper Grindle the Gnome Titan Veteran Altar Boy (S.K. Ren)
Gard the Dark Elf Apprentice (LuckyDee)

Awaiting Re-Evaluation, Orphaned or otherwise Inactive Characters:

Orphaned Characters:

Sho Lee Wu the Human Grashopper (Original owner: shark20061)

Halls of the Dead:

Jace the Human Altar Boy (raekuul) - killed by pair of orcs after getting mauled by Dire Elk
Maoun the Pixie Sprite Alter Boy (S.K. Ren) - pincushioned by orcish arrows
Michael Songsteel the Human Veteran (Motorheadbanger) - ganged upon by a band of orcs
Samuel Greenwood the Human Apprentice (Matt_S) - mutilated by trio of orcs while running away like a sissy


Houserules

Spoiler: "Character Creation" (click to show/hide)

- You roll 'em, you play 'em - might give you a re-roll of stats if you get something very, very, VERY subpar overall stat spread but don't count on it.
- Simplified Sibling Table will be used instead of one in PHB. It'll be provided with other source materials, remind me if I forget.
- Honor is calculated using final ability scores (discounting fractionals), not starting ability scores.
- If a class or race gives you a free skill it means you're getting a free skill mastery+honor die roll for it (plus of course the basic stat bonus for first roll), along with any prequisite skills at 51% mastery.
- Every character gains Modern Language (Common) at 100% mastery for free. Races other than human get their racial language at 100% mastery also for free. Common is not counted against limit of known languages.
- Characters start with the following clothing (free of charge)
   - Tunic (8 sp, 1 lb, 1 SP)
   - Shoes, Leather, Simple (2 sp, 1/2 lb, 0 SP)
   - Breeches (2 gp, 1/2 lb, 0 SP
   - Belt (3 gp, * lb, 0 SP)
   OR
   - Robes (9 sp, 3 lb, 2 SP)
   - Shoes, Leather, Simple (2 sp, 1/2 lb, 0 SP)

Spoiler: "Tips and Reminders" (click to show/hide)

- If after Step 11 you're in the honor window that gives you +1 to all die rolls that also applies to the rolls you make in later steps (i.e. skill mastery rolls and HP rolls!). The same applies if you're in the window that gives you -1 penalty to all rolls.
- Note that Knight Errants (if you somehow roll high enough to apply for one) got changed and they don't get Armorer and Weaponsmithing skill anymore.
- If you grabbed one of the class books you might find that each of them has a set of tables that allows you to roll to see how your education went - these are OPTIONAL and done after Step 9, but before Step 10. These are a wee bit complicated but sometimes the results can be worth it (When I tried to run HM before I had a Ranger/Cleric character that managed to get 300 xp for his ranger side from fighter tables, and "get bonus cleric spells as if you had 3 more Wisdom" from cleric tables"). Just remember to look over errata for these - for example the final table for magic user training was horribly busted and got re-made in the errata. Ideally, if you decide to brave these consult me over the PM - I know from experience it's easy to get lost in those tables or to overlook some modifier that's mentioned in description but not in tables so I'd prefer to look over rolls made on these.
- Remember that many tables allow you to re-roll the results at cost of 1 BP. Keep an eye out for indications of when you can do it. And of course in cease of doubt - ask.
- Some rolls "penetrate". Penetration happens when you roll a maximum on a die and allows you to roll that die (if you roll 2d4 and they come up 1 and 4 only the second one is rolled again) and add the result -1. And if that result is maximum again you can roll it again and add it -1. This mostly applies to damage and healing rolls, but in character creation skill mastery rolls can penetrate.

Spoiler: "Character Class Clarification" (click to show/hide)

- Monk Intimidating Display - the character spends his first combat round showing off, opponents save vs petrification or get a +5 penalty on initiative roll
- Charlatan starting abililities - you pick them at the same time as STPs

Spoiler: "Items New and Changed" (click to show/hide)

- Rations, Trail (1 day) 3 gp, 1 lb, 85/80/75
- Rope, Hemp (50 ft) 1 gp, 10 lb, 90/85/80
- Rope, Silk (50 ft) 10 gp, 5 lb, 70/60/50
- Blanket, Light 2 sp, 1 lb, 95/85/75
- Blanket, Winter 5 sp, 3 lb, 90/85/80
- Quiver, Basic 8 sp, 1 lb, 95/85/75 (Holds 20 regular size bolts or arrows, for personalized versions ask GM about info in Hackjournal 25)

Scabbards:
- Leather 1 gp, 1 lb
- Metal 2 gp, 4 lb
- Wooden 4 sp, 2 lb
- Wrapped 8 sp, 2 lb
- Curved - cost x 1.5 (needed for scimitars, khukri, falchions etc.)
- Decorated, engraved - cost x2
- Decorated, gilt - cost x 3
- Decorated, gems - cost x 4

Also see Food and Water

Coins are 100 to a pound (old/oddbal coins may happen and may weight differently)
Pixie-Fairy item weights are 1/25 instead of 1/27

Backpacks are now 75 lb. capacity, Large Saddlebags are 60 lb capacity, Small Saddlebags are 40 lb capacity. Those changes are to lessen up bag clutter.

Spoiler: "Outfitting Packages" (click to show/hide)

A. Basic Excursion (3 Days)
- Waterskin (8 pints) x 3
- Rations, Trail (3 pounds)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Oil, Lamp (1 flask)
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Blanket, Light
12 gp, 31 lb

B. Extended Excursion (7 Days)
- Waterskin (8 pints) x 7
- Rations, Trail (7 pounds)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Oil, Lamp (1 flask)
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Blanket, Light
27 gp, 55 lb

C. Prolonged Excursion (14 Days)
- Waterskin (8 pints) x 14
- Rations, Trail (14 pounds)   
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Oil, Lamp (2 flasks)
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Blanket, Light
55 gp, 98 lb

D. Basic Dungeon Crawl (1 Day)
- Waterskin (8 pints)
- Rations, Trail (1 pound)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Piton x 5
- Torch x 10
4 gp, 29.5 lb

E. Extended Dungeon Crawl (3 Days)
- Waterskin (8 pints) x 3
- Rations, Trail (3 pounds)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Flint and Steel   
- Whetstone
- Piton x 10
- Torch x 20
- Oil, Lamp (2 flasks)
- Chalk
12 gp, 56 lb

F. Basic Overland Excursion (2 Days, including food and water for a horse)
- Waterskin (8 pints) x 10
- Rations, Trail (2 pounds)
- Blanket, Light
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Knife
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Feed, Standard Mount (16 pounds)
15 gp, 80.5 lb

G. Extended Overland Excursion (7 Days, including food and water for a horse)
- Waterskin (8 pints) x 35
- Rations, Trail (7 pounds)
- Blanket, Light
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Knife
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Feed, Standard Mount (56 pounds)
50 gp, 250.5 lb

Pixie-Fairies will have their own packages, but won't bother making those until someone tries to make a P-F (protip: don't :P)

Spoiler: "Skills" (click to show/hide)

- All skills that list 51% requirement in another skill now require 50% instead.
- Skills relating to mapping don't exist.
- Complex Geometric Estimations is used for in-combat tricks and rushed estimations of dimensions. If situation is free of distractions calculating distances does not require this skill.
- Sew Wounds and Sew Own Wounds cause 1d6 hits (damage as per sewing needle, use table in Combatant's Guide) per application due to stitching

Spoiler: "Food and Water" (click to show/hide)

FOOD RQUIREMENTS:
Human/Dwarf/Half-orc/Half-elf - 2 lb/day
Elf (any) - 1.5 lb/day
Gnome/Gnome Titan/Gnomeling/Halfling - 1 lb/day
Half-ogre - 4 lb/day
Pixie-fairy - special

Food eaten over daily requirement provides no benefits.

WATER RQUIREMENTS:
Human/Half-orc/Half-elf - 8 pints/day
Elf (any) - 6 pints/day
Dwarf/Gnome/Gnome Titan/Gnomeling/Halfling - 5.5 pints/day
Half-ogre - 12 pints/day
Pixie-fairy - n/a

Heavy activity (traveling through very rough terrain, travelling with heavy laden or worse encumbrance etc.) - +1 pint/day
High temperature (50-70 F) - +1 pint/day
High temperature (70-90 F) - +2 pints/day
High temperature (90+ F) - +3 pints/day

1 gallon = 8 pints
1 gallon = 4 lb
1 pint = 0.5 lb

ANIMALS:
Ape - 20 lb FOOD (feed, exotic), 64 pints WATER
Camel - 20 lb FOOD (feed, exotic), 160 pints WATER = supply for two weeks (half encumbrance for second week)
Dawg - 2 lb FOOD, 8 pints WATER
Horse - 8 lb FOOD (feed), 32 pints WATER
Mule - 8 lb FOOD (feed), 32 pints WATER
Pony - 6 lb FOOD (feed), 24 pints WATER
Yak - 12 lb FOOD (feed, exotic), 32 pints WATER

FOOD ITEMS:
- Rations, Standard - 1 gp per 2 lb, each lb counts as one pint of water for purpose of water requirements, lasts up to a month
- Rations, Trail - 3 gp per 1 lb, counts double for purpose of food requirements (so 1 lb feeds a Human for a day), lasts up to two months
- Rations, Dragonfly Wing - 3 gp per 0.04 lb, daily dose of food for Pixie-fairy, lasts up to a month
- Waterskin (empty) 8 sp, 1 lb, 95/90/85, holds up to 8 pints, weights 5 lb when full
- Feed, Exotic Animal 2 gp per 8 lb, 75/55/30, lasts up to a month
- Feed, Standard Mount 2 sp per 8 lb, 90/70/50, lasts up to two months

Spoiler: "Spellbooks" (click to show/hide)

- Standard and Travelling Spell Books have to be of one of four types: Cantrips, Low Magic, Middle Magic and High Magic.
- Cantrip books can hold up to 36 cantrips (9 cantrips if a travelling book) as long as amount of pages allows it.
- Low Magic books can hold up to 24 spells (6 spells if a travelling book) of 1st, 2nd or 3rd level as long as amount of pages allows it.
- Middle Magic books can hold up to 16 spells (4 spells if a travelling book) of 4th, 5th or 6th level as long as amount of pages allows it.
- High Magic books can hold up to 8 spells (2 spells if a travelling book) of 7th, 8th or 9th level as long as amount of pages allows it.

Spoiler: "Spell Components" (click to show/hide)

- List of spell component costs (Note - this isn't formatted that well, and it doesn't have all components yet, but it should cover most of PHB stuff for now. If something is missing, or if you're having trouble finding something call for help)
- Spellcasting characters start with 5 doses of components  for each spell they have memorized at character creation, +2 for every additional instance of the spell memorized above first. This does not apply to components costing over 10 gp.
- Spellcasting characters can select up to three other (different) spells they know - they get 5 doses of components for each of these. This does not apply to components costing over 10 gp.
- Spells above level 1, if somehow acquired at character creation don't benefit from above cost-free component doses.
- Mages get 1 component for Read Magic in addition of these.
- Clerics get wooden holy/unholy symbol in addition of these.
- If a cleric starts with Bless or Curse memorized he gets one vial of holy or unholy water (one of each if he has memorized both), regardless of number of instances of spell memorized. See PHB gear section for cost on holy/unholy water, see below for more info on holy/unholy water.
- Druids get mistletoe in addition of these.
- Each time wizard learns a new spell with component costing 10 gp or less, during level up he gets number of free doses of the component as shown in table below

Code: [Select]

Spell Doses
Level
  1     5
 2-3    4
 4-5    3
 6-7    2
  8     1
  9     0

Means of acquirement:
Auto
 - Searching for a minute or two finds a merchant with 1d20 doses (if cost is listed) or simply finds 1d20 doses
Field search (FS)
- Common spell component search takes 1d6 turns and has a 75% chance of success, each turn beyond that allows for another check with cumulative +10% modifier
- Uncommon spell component search takes 3d6 turns and has a 50% chance of success, each turn beyond that allows for another check with cumulative +5% modifier
- Rare spell component search takes 1d4+1 hous and has a 25% chance of success, each turn beyond that allows for another check with cumulative +2% modifier
- Successful search produces 1d20 doses
Purchase in most towns and markets (TM)
- Common spell components have a 80% chance of being found in a village, 90% chance in town, 100% chance in city or major city
- Uncommon spell components have a 50% chance of being found in a village, 60% chance in town, 70% chance in city and 80% chance in major city
- Rare spell components have a 20% chance of being found in a village, 30% chance in town, 40% chance in city, 50% chance in major city
- Successful search produces 1d20 doses
Special order from some sort of craftsman (SO)
- Base as above but acquirement might depend on location and/or might take some time

- Each 20 doeses of spell components weights 1 lb
- Some components are perishable (marked with *) and as such have shelf life of about a week
- Components presented with cost listed are generally SO/Rare unless GM decides otherwise
- Water, holy and water, unholy from PHB gear section are good for 20 doses of the spell component.

Changes to spells:
- Fog Vision (MU 1, DR 1) has no M component
- Cloud of Pummeling Flies (MU 2) has no M component
- All Fireball, Sidewinder Factor X have Gum arabic as one of the spell components
- Grow (MU 3) has no M component
- Nondetection (MU 3) M component is "three pinches of Dust, diamond"
- Zargosa's Flaming Spheres of Torment (MU 3) M component is sulphur and the 1000 gp reusable tube
- Wall of Force (MU 5) M component is "50 pinches of Dust, diamond"
- Transmute Water to Dust/Transmute Dust to Water (MU 6) M component is "5 pinches of Dust, diamond"

Spoiler: "Fatigue" (click to show/hide)

Fatigue Factor = base HD value + 1 per 2 levels (1 per level for Fighter class and it's sub-classes), multiclass characters calculate by halving FF each class would get - fractions left after adding get truncated

eg.
Level 3 Fighter = 10 (HD) + 3 (level) = 13 FF
Level 3 Cleric = 8 (HD) + 1 (level) = 9 FF
Level 3 Fighter/Level  3 Cleric = [10 (HD) + 3 (level)]/2 (Fighter) + [8 (HD) +1 (level)]/2 (Cleric) = 6.5 + 4.5 = 11 FF

FF drops by 1 per round in combat unless character does nothing. At half or less FF character is fatigued and acts as if encumbered one level more than he actually is, at 0 character is exhausted and acts as if encumbered two levels more than he is.
A round of rest (no actions or movement) gives the character a chance to catch his breath - a successful save vs paralyzation (modified by his HP bonus for high Constitution and by further +1 for each round spent resting previously) restores half of FF, rounded down.

Endurance talent and skill modify only FF coming from HD (so Fighter would get +10 FF for the talent, +5 for the skill or +15 for both)

Spoiler: "Hexmap Travel" (click to show/hide)

Overland Movement Speed = 1 hex per 2' move value of slowest party member, if slowest speed is 1' movement is 1 hex/2 days

Normal Terrain (plains, paths through hills and forests etc.) is rated as above
Rugged Terrain (hills, forests, paths through mountains or heavy forests, normal terrain with 5 inches of snow cover, etc.) is 2 hexes of movement per one moved (double the amount of days for extreme low speeds)
Very Rugged Terrain (mountains, heavy forests, swamp, rugged terrain with 5 inches of snow cover, normal with 10 inches, etc.) is 3 hexes of movement per one moved (triple the amount of days for extreme low speeds)

Forced march doubles this. After one day of forced march characters start every encounter fatigued (see Fatigue section, starting FF is half, rounded down), second day brings this up to exhausted (starting FF is 0), every day beyond that adds -1 penalty to FF recovery roll. To recover fully characters need one day of rest per each day of forced march.

Spoiler: "On Sessions" (click to show/hide)

- Hackmaster has a few things that are measured or dealt out once per session - mulligans for great honor, e.p. and honor rewards etc. Since there is no such thing as a session in online play I'm goign to have to resort to manually assigning boundries of sessions. In general I'm going to try to end "sessions" when your characters are in a fairly safe spot i.e. when healing up or after hauling loot back for selling. Though at times it might happen mid-game (if a lot happens in meantime) or not happen during a rest period (if not enough happens). In either case if you see something along the lines of Session Finished and start getting showered with e.p and (negative?) honor awards that'll be that.

Spoiler: "Coupons" (click to show/hide)

- Compiled Player Coupons
- Players, AS A GROUP get to use each of coupons listed in above file ONCE (if a single coupon appears more than once then you can use it once per copy). Normal 1 coupon per player per session limit applies (see above spoiler for definition of session)
- The GM in turn threatens promises to use a coupon of his own for each player coupon used. This coupon retaliation might happen immedietly or later the same session. The GM has a coupon book of his own.
- The GM might at times use a coupon unprovoked. For each such occurance the players will be extempt from retaliation for next coupon they play during the session
- Any player might call for coupon restock at any time. This effectively gives the players a new copy of "coupon book" to use in addition to whatever is left of the old one... but it also gives the GM another copy of "his" book to work with.
- In other words - use yer coupons... wisely.

Spoiler: "Hacklopedia Articles In Use" (click to show/hide)

- Druidical Training Tables (HJ 15, relevant only if using optional character generation training tables from Zealot's Guide)
- MonkTraining Tables (HJ 8, relevant only if using optional character generation training tables from Combatant's Guide)
- Called Shots, Critical Hits, and You (HJ 26, expanded tables for called shot modifiers and effects) [GM Only info, wil l get used as needed]
- Strength Bows (HJ 26, bows with Str bonus to damage, pricey) [GM Only info, you'll have to ask for a strenght bow to learn how much it'll cost you]
- Firing into Melee and Mayhem (HJ 24, some rules to help avoid friendly fire accidents)
- Skills, Talents and Proficiencies (HJ 23, modifiers to rules about learning skills post-character generation)
- Simpifying Friendly Fire (HJ 21, more friendly fire avoidance stuff) [GM Only info]
- Fighter Fractionals (HJ 17, fractional increase tables for Fighter classes, relevant for level ups)
- Quivering With Delight (HJ 25, quivers and custom quivers - cost and weight of base quiver is in OP for quick lookup)
- Simplified Sibling Tables (HJ 15, makes rolling siblings less of a headache)

Spoiler: "Date and Time" (click to show/hide)

The days are:
Sa'mar - monday
Tu'mar - tuesday
Quay'mar - wendsday
Run'mar - thursday
Ara'mar - friday
Gart'mar - saturday
Pin'mar - sunday

The months, in order, are:
Haar'kiev
Jevar'kiev
Nardur'kiev
Tomar'kiev
Blain'sa
Sirin'sa
Yurn'sa
Monz'tera
Barz'tera
Quay'tera
Tarn'tera
Adnar'kerz
Kras'kerz
Freta'kerz

As it can be deducted 'kiev seems to stand for spring, 'sa for summer, 'tera for autumn and 'kerz for winter. Each month is composed of four weeks (so 28 days) that lack a name (I'm going to be calling them first week, second week, third week and fourth week to differentiate). As mentioned in IC there are also two Flur'mar - these are considered "useless" days, days of bad omen etc. Usually only bare minimum is done on those days and kids born in them are often mercy-killed. One is attached to the end of Yurn'sa, other to the Freta'kerz.

As for the year, what little info I've so far found points at there being four ways of counting the years:
- Tre'Catrobium (T.R.) - this one is marked as "Imperial" on my time tracker and seems to be the most common calendar. The current year is 108 T.R.
- Croas (C.R.) - it's marked by Ragean and I've no idea what that is. I think I'm going to need to read my Garweeze Wurld gazeeteer in hope of finding any info. Current year is 2480 C.R.
- Fariadoran (F.R.) - original calendar, used by Elves and Scholars. Current year is 12082 F.R.
- Kroaghus (K.R.) - orkish calendar, set on year 867 K.R.

Oh and ther are three moons:
- Arlora
- Bardra'kar
- Shadara

Tu'mar, 9th of Haar'kiev 174 Tre'Catrobium (9/1/174)
 Arlora is Waning Crescent
 Bardra'kar is 3rd Quarter
 Shadara is Waning Gibbous

Spoiler: "WIP" (click to show/hide)

If you can read this the drow assassin already ambushed you. Buh-bye!

Spoiler: "Original post" (click to show/hide)

* Malek Deneith struggles against inertia and laziness

* Malek Deneith pulls himself up to the keyboard

Decided to make an annual check to see if there would be some interest in a game of Hackmaster 4e. For those unfamiliar with the system Hackmaster is as if someone took a bit of AD&D 1e, a bit of AD&D 2e and mixed these with good dose of gaming humor. Quite fiddly system, not all in it is serious. Prior experience not required, though prior knowledge of D&D (even the more recent editions) might help. Materials will be provided. Guidance for the newbs will be dispensed, at least in terms of character creation and rules knowledge (doing stupid things in-game will be entirely on you though :P)

What to expect from the game, should it happen - monsters to kill, death, loot to find, death, dungeons to crawl, and equal opportunity death. What not to expect - anything resembling elaborate plot: should something like that appear it probably means I mangled fit in bits and pieces of a prefab, or had a short term inspiration that will quickly run itself into the ground. Just a fair warning.

Only this much info for now because I expect the interest check to die based on past experiences >_>

* Malek Deneith lets go, falls back on the floor and focuses on remembering to breathe

8

Graveyard / Hackmaster 4e IC - Quest for the Unknown

« on: February 17, 2012, 05:06 »

Rogahn the Fearless and Zelligar the Unknown. Even the youngest in Garweeze Wurld heard their names, and elders and sages speak about those two legendary figures with respect or even awe...

You have heard parts of the story before. Rogahn was a great warrior, his reputation spreading far and wide. Zelligar was as famous, though his cause the renown came from his mastery of art of magic. No one knows how the two men came together but whatever circumstances of their meeting it resulted in a strong bond of friendship forming between them, a bond that would last for ages. Not long after the pair disappeared from the view of civilization, and rumors started floating about them constructing some sort of hideaway, deep in the wilderness. Some even started whispering that their common motive was greed, or some evil goal. In any case they jointly led a life in seclusion, only occasionally venturing away from their secret stronghold to add to their reputations.

It wasn't until many years later, when from lands to the northwest came a great gnome-titan invasion threatening to engulf the Meletian Kingdom, that the duo surfaced yet again. Rogahn leading a small army of hirelings, and Zelligar wielding his fearsome magics faced the gnome-titans in a battle in a narrow pass, and forced the invasion back. Before they returned to their place of solitude they were richly rewarded for their deeds, and while most agree that bulk of the fortune was spent on furthering the construction of their hideaway, rumors said a good amount remained.

But the most exciting part is the most recent one. Last year Rogahn and Zelligar apparently decided to join an expedition into lands of Gnome Portectorates. Taking most of their hirelings with them, they disappeared into the lands of hated gnome folk, on a great adventure, which some think might've been asked by the very gawds themselves. Lately a word of a great battle in the gnome-titan lands reached your ears, along with speculation that Rogahn and Zelligar met their demise there. If that's true then their secret base would've been nearly unguarded and ripe for exploration... and ripe for the looting.

It's no wonder that when a passing grel hunter with a scar through his eye - how such an individual managed to let the guard let him in better left unknown - offered you to sell a map leading to what he believed to be the fabled hideout of the duo you decided to risk the chance of the map being fake and bought it after pooling your money. Banding together you quickly organized yourself and went on a journey, hoping that nobody else would find the place before you do...

***

Several days later you find yourselves near the end of the journey. Apparently during the last year civilization creeped upon the place Rogahn and Zelligar call home, since not far from where your map was leading you, you stumble upon a village - a collection of few small houses with a shoddy inn, barely capable old cleric and a marketplace that's visited by merchants roughly each Run'mar - that got settled lately. You spend the night, and the next day - Flur'mar, the useless day - before finally leaving early on the first day of new year. It's Sa'Mar of the First Week of Haar'Kiev year 174 T.R., the New Year's Day and the first day of Spring. The midday passed not long ago, and it's still a bit chilly, but you're warmed by the thought that the threacherous, narrow pathway you and your pack animals are traversing should lead you to your goal - a place marked on the map with the rune 'Q', at least according to what Maoun, being the only one able to read tells you.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Riiight. For those new to this - IC means In-Character, OOC means Out-Of-Character. This is the IC thread, so all descriptions should be written from point of view of your character - if you need to say something OOC, or do something mechanical as pasting your to-hit roll use spoiler tags as I just did. The former recrutation thread will get re-branded into OOC thread, made for game related but not IC discussion. But that'll happen later today.

I'll provide a complete list of day and month names (as well as info on various ways years are tracked if I can find it) later on but generally Garweeze Wurld has fourteen months, each composed of four weeks of seven days each. There are also two Flur'mar - useless/cursed days, one attached to the end of 7th month, other to end of last month of the year. Run'mar is thursday, Sa'Mar is friday, Haar,Kiev is obviously the first month in the year.

I'm giving you all a bit of time to socialize or introduce your characters, I'll probably move on when most or all have posted something

Edit: Oh and everybody except shark20061 who got unlucky will have PMs incoming in a moment

9

Graveyard / Hackmaster 4e OOC

« on: February 10, 2012, 10:46 »

Characters:

Jasper Grindle the Gnome Titan Veteran Altar Boy (S.K. Ren)

Player Went Missing:

Sho Lee Wu the Human Grashopper (shark20061)

Orphaned Characters:

Vicward Carter the Human Apprentice

Halls of the Dead:

Jace the Human Altar Boy (raekuul) - killed by pair of orcs after getting mauled by Dire Elk
Maoun the Pixie Sprite Alter Boy (S.K. Ren) - pincushioned by orcish arrows
Michael Songsteel the Human Veteran (Motorheadbanger) - ganged upon by a band of orcs
Samuel Greenwood the Human Apprentice (Matt_S) - mutilated by trio of orcs while running away like a sissy

Spoiler: "House Rules, Definitions and Other Trivia" (click to show/hide)

- I might - keyword *might* - make an exception if you roll every stat below 8 or something like that but that's going to be case-by-case thing.

- An important note that might be easy to overlook at first - you don't calculate your starting honor until Step 11 of the character creation process! You also don't apply Charisma bonus/penalty to Comeliness (if any) until Step 9!

- Calculate Honor using final ability scores (discounting fractionals), not starting ability scores.

- If after Step 11 you're in the honor window that gives you +1 to all die rolls that also applies to the rolls you make in later steps (i.e. skill mastery rolls and HP rolls!). The same applies if you're in the window that gives you -1 penalty to all rolls.

- If a class or race gives you a skill for free it means you're getting a free skill mastery+honor die roll for it (plus of course the basic stat bonus for first roll). IF said skill has any skill prequisites you get them also, for free, at mastery level of 51% (in general if a skill you want has another as prequisite the prequisite needs to be at mastery of 51+% to qualify). Note that Knight Errants (if you somehow roll high enough to apply for one) got changed and they don't get Armorer and Weaponsmithing skill anymore.

- If you grabbed one of the class books you might find that each of them has a set of tables that allows you to roll to see how your education went - these are OPTIONAL and done after Step 9, but before Step 10. These are a wee bit complicated but sometimes the results can be worth it (When I tried to run HM before I had a Ranger/Cleric character that managed to get 300 xp for his ranger side from fighter tables, and "get bonus cleric spells as if you had 3 more Wisdom" from cleric tables"). Just remember to look over errata for these - for example the final table for magic user training was horribly busted and got re-made in the errata. Ideally, if you decide to brave these consult me over the PM - I know from experience it's easy to get lost in those tables or to overlook some modifier that's mentioned in description but not in tables so I'd prefer to look over rolls made on these.

- Remember that many tables allow you to re-roll the results at cost of 1 BP. Keep an eye out for indications of when you can do it. And of course in cease of doubt - ask.

- Every character has Language: Common 100% in addition to their racial language for free (and humans get only Common - screw regional languages, I'll have enough to track without 'em). This still counts against your limit of languages know, but you get that even if you'd normally be limited to 1 language.

- Skills relating to making a map cease to exist. I don't really see how they can be enforced hence you don't need a skill to draw a map.

- Complex Geometric Estimation skill is not necessary to get dimensions of the dungeon or other objects. Those are automatic as long as character is not in combat or otherwise stresfull situation. It still has use for in-combat tricks and might be of use for getting rough estimates in situation when you're in rush

- Sew Wounds and Sew Own Wounds cause 1d6 hits (damage as per sewing needle, use table in Combatant's Guide) per application due to stitching

- Material spell components are now tracked as <spellname> component. No more tracking guano and sulfur for fireball separately, and component for fireball from level 1 won't work for one for level 2 etc. They'll also have different costs for different levels. But why? Magic. B- MAGIC!

- Spellcasting characters start with 5 doses of neglible-cost components for each spell they have memorized at character creation, +2 for every additional instance of the spell memorized above first

- Spellcasting characters can select up to three other (different) spells - they get 5 doses of neglible-cost components for each of these

- Spells above level 1, if somehow acquired at character creation don't benefit from above cost-free component doses

- Mages get 1 component for Read Magic in addition of these

- Clerics get wooden holy/unholy symbol in addition of these

- Druids get mistletoe in addition of these

- Each time wizard learns a new spell with neglible-cost component during level up he gets number of free doses of the component as shown in table below

Code: [Select]

Spell Doses
Level
  1     5
 2-3    4
 4-5    3
 6-7    2
  8     1
  9     0

- This excel file contains costs and availability for purchasing material components for spells - be it during gameplay or additional components for starting characters. Currently it encompases level 1 spells for MU, Clerics and Druids (note that Cleric and Druid spells often use Holy Symbol/Mistletoe - these are non-expendable components unless spell states otherwise and their costs is not included in above file). Other levels will be added... at later time.

- Use the following new items/items with changed cost/weight:

Code: [Select]

- Rations, Trail (1 day) 3 gp, 1 lb, 85/80/75
- Rope, Hemp (50 ft) 1 gp, 10 lb, 90/85/80
- Rope, Silk (50 ft) 10 gp, 5 lb, 70/60/50
- Blanket, Light 2 sp, 1 lb, 95/85/75
- Blanket, Winter 5 sp, 3 lb, 90/85/80
- Waterskin (1 gal) 2 gp, 5 lb, 95/90/85
- Waterskin (empty) 8 sp, 1 lb, 95/90/85
- Feed, Exotic Animal (1 day) 2 gp, 10 lb, 75/55/30
- Feed, Standard Mount (1 day) 2 sp, 10 lb, 90/70/50
- Quiver, Basic 8 sp, 1 lb, 95/85/75 (Holds 20 regular size bolts or arrows, for personalized versions ask GM about info in Hackjournal 25)

- Characters start with the following clothing (free of charge)

Code: [Select]

- Tunic (8 sp, 1 lb, 1 SP)
- Shoes, Leather, Simple (2 sp, 1/2 lb, 0 SP)
- Breeches (2 gp, 1/2 lb, 0 SP
- Belt (3 gp, * lb, 0 SP)

OR

- Robes (9 sp, 3 lb, 2 SP)
- Shoes, Leather, Simple (2 sp, 1/2 lb, 0 SP)
Costs are given for reference, weights only matter if carried in back, if worn weight gets ignored as per base rules. SP stand for Style Points, which determine how "classy" your wear is which in turn will affect your charisma in relations with NPC's... sometimes (depends on a person and situation. A peasant might not care either way about your dragonskin pants, a snot-nosed noble might find them SSStylish, while someone from different culture might see them as peasant's garb :P). A table on SP effect:

Code: [Select]

Style  Charisma
Points Modifier
 0-2      -2
 3-4      -1
 5-9       0
10-39     +1
 40+      +2
If you want custom clothes to pimp yourself up poke me for more info ;P

- Use the following outfitting packages instead of the ones in PHB

Code: [Select]

A. Basic Excursion (3 Days)
- Waterskin (1 gal) x 3
- Rations, Trail (3 days)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Oil, Lamp (1 flask)
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Blanket, Light
15 gp, 31 lb

B. Extended Excursion (7 Days)
- Waterskin (1 gal) x 7
- Rations, Trail (7 days)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Oil, Lamp (1 flask)
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Blanket, Light
35 gp, 55 lb

C. Prolonged Excursion (14 Days)
- Waterskin (1 gal) x 14
- Rations, Trail (14 days)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Oil, Lamp (2 flasks)
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Blanket, Light
70 gp, 98 lb

D. Basic Dungeon Crawl (1 Day)
- Waterskin (1 gal)
- Rations, Trail (1 days)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Piton x 5
- Torch x 10
5 gp, 29.5 lb

E. Extended Dungeon Crawl (3 Days)
- Waterskin (1 gal) x 3
- Rations, Trail (3 days)
- Sewing Needle and Thread
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Piton x 10
- Torch x 20
- Oil, Lamp (2 flasks)
- Chalk
15 gp, 56 lb

F. Basic Overland Excursion (2 Days, Includes Animal Feed)
- Waterskin (1 gal) x 2
- Rations, Trail (2 days)
- Blanket, Light
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Knife
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Feed, Standard Mount (2 days)
10 gp, 44.5 lb

G. Extended Overland Excursion (7 Days, Includes Animal Feed)
- Waterskin (1 gal) x 7
- Rations, Trail (7 days)
- Blanket, Light
- Rope, Hemp - 50 ft
- Knife
- Flint and Steel
- Whetstone
- Feed, Standard Mount (7 days)
35 gp, 124.5 lb

- You need 1 gallon of water per day

- Animal feed will be tracked. For sanity's sake assume each 1 day portion of feed covers animal's water need if any also.

- Some rolls "penetrate". Penetration happens when you roll a maximum on a die and allows you to roll that die (if you roll 2d4 and they come up 1 and 4 only the second one is rolled again) and add the result -1. And if that result is maximum again you can roll it again and add it -1. This mostly applies to damage and healing rolls, but in character creation skill mastery rolls can penetrate.

- Hackmaster has a few things that are measured or dealt out once per session - mulligans for great honor, e.p. and honor rewards etc. Since there is no such thing as a session in online play I'm goign to have to resort to manually assigning boundries of sessions. In general I'm going to try to end "sessions" when your characters are in a fairly safe spot i.e. when healing up or after hauling loot back for selling. Though at times it might happen mid-game (if a lot happens in meantime) or not happen during a rest period (if not enough happens). In either case if you see something along the lines of Session Finished and start getting showered with e.p and (negative?) honor awards that'll be that.

- Coupons. Some of you might've snooped around and noticed those coupons most books have at end. Yes they are a part of the game. Yes they are there to be used. No you should not go apeshit with them. For one coupons are limited to one per player per session, with session being defined as above. For another since we don't have the coupons physically I'm going to put on some more limitation to prevent abuse - namely each player can play an uniquely named coupon only one per adventure (this being defined as a module I run) - i.e. if for example raekull plays "Heal As If You Have Troll Blood" he can't play it again (though another player could) until you finish an adventure, even if in meantime you stumble into another one. You'll be notified when I consider an adventure finished. Lastly, to remain true to Hackmaster spirit - each time one of you will play a Coupon I reserve the right to play a retaliatory coupon, before end of current session, if I so desire. Yes, GM has his own coupons. Of course this goes both ways - if I play a coupon unprovoked you get to play one (as a group, not on each) coupon without threat of retaliation. So play your coupons wisely.

Spoiler: "Hacklopedia Articles In Use" (click to show/hide)

- Druidical Training Tables (HJ 15, relevant only if using optional character generation training tables from Zealot's Guide)
- MonkTraining Tables (HJ 8, relevant only if using optional character generation training tables from Combatant's Guide)
- Called Shots, Critical Hits, and You (HJ 26, expanded tables for called shot modifiers and effects)
- Strength Bows (HJ 26, bows with Str bonus to damage, pricey)
- Fireing into Melee and Mayhem (HJ 24, some rules to help avoid friendly fire accidents)
- Skills, Talents and Proficiencies (HJ 23, modifiers to rules about learning skills post-character generation)
- Simpifying Friendly Fire (HJ 21, more friendly fire avoidance stuff)
- Fighter Fractionals (HJ 17, fractional increase tables for Fighter classes, relevant for level ups)
- Quivering With Delight (HJ 25, quivers and custom quivers - cost and weight of base quiver is in OP for quick lookup)
- Simplified Sibling Tables (HJ 15, makes rolling siblings less of a headache)

Spoiler: "Date and Time" (click to show/hide)

The days are:
Sa'mar - monday
Tu'mar - tuesday
Quay'mar - wendsday
Run'mar - thursday
Ara'mar - friday
Gart'mar - saturday
Pin'mar - sunday

The months, in order, are:
Haar'kiev
Jevar'kiev
Nardur'kiev
Tomar'kiev
Blain'sa
Sirin'sa
Yurn'sa
Monz'tera
Barz'tera
Quay'tera
Tarn'tera
Adnar'kerz
Kras'kerz
Freta'kerz

As it can be deducted 'kiev seems to stand for spring, 'sa for summer, 'tera for autumn and 'kerz for winter. Each month is composed of four weeks (so 28 days) that lack a name (I'm going to be calling them first week, second week, third week and fourth week to differentiate). As mentioned in IC there are also two Flur'mar - these are considered "useless" days, days of bad omen etc. Usually only bare minimum is done on those days and kids born in them are often mercy-killed. One is attached to the end of Yurn'sa, other to the Freta'kerz.

As for the year, what little info I've so far found points at there being four ways of counting the years:
- Tre'Catrobium (T.R.) - this one is marked as "Imperial" on my time tracker and seems to be the most common calendar. The current year is 108 T.R.
- Croas (C.R.) - it's marked by Ragean and I've no idea what that is. I think I'm going to need to read my Garweeze Wurld gazeeteer in hope of finding any info. Current year is 2480 C.R.
- Fariadoran (F.R.) - original calendar, used by Elves and Scholars. Current year is 12082 F.R.
- Kroaghus (K.R.) - orkish calendar, set on year 867 K.R.

Oh and ther are three moons:
- Arlora
- Bardra'kar
- Shadara

Tu'mar, 9th of Haar'kiev 174 Tre'Catrobium (9/1/174)
 Arlora is Waning Crescent
 Bardra'kar is 3rd Quarter
 Shadara is Waning Gibbous

Spoiler: "WIP" (click to show/hide)

Nonne at the moment

10

Requests For Features / Suggestion for some shotgun-related changes

« on: September 01, 2011, 16:24 »

DISCLAIMER: This post was originally made in a beta thread, as a suggestion but nothing was done with it due to upcoming deadline for 0.9.9.4 release. It has been split unchanged and moved to this forum for a wider discussion.

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Posting some ideas for modifying shotguns since the recent changes sparked a discussion on these on irc:

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Of shotguns and pellets

Let's face it - the current situation where shotguns cover an area in a semi-hitscan kind of way seems to be getting more and more troublesome, especially considering that each and every other weapon rolls for hit. Yes, it's nice to have it on our side, but it's not so nice when you get face to face with a bunch of sergeants and know for sure you won't be able to dodge out of the way, now is it? Hence my proposal is to make shotguns shoot a number of pellets instead of what they do now. How that is supposed to work? Well the AoE cone would still be here, but instead of everything in it getting hit automatically, creatures would be the target of a number of d3 damage "pellets" (so for example combat shotgun would shoot seven of such d3 hits), which would follow the normal to-hit procedure starting with the nearest target... BUT any pellets that would miss the first target would get to try to hit targets further on, until either pellets or targets run out. Some bonuses to hit at close range and penalties at longe would probably make sense also.

One problem with this idea (aside from coding hell for Kornel :P) is the armor. Obviously shrapnel = armor x 2 thing would have to go no matter what, but with individual pellets being d3, maybe d4 for some exotics some monsters would get immune to shotguns. I see two ways around it:
1) Have damage be applied for all pellets that hit in a single go (so if three pellets hit BoH it gets hurt by 3d3 not 3 x d3)
2) Increase the damage on pellets to something like d6 or even d8. This might seem imbalanced at first but remember that: a) with to hit being rolled a monster is unlikely to get hit with full blow and b) right now shotguns due their 'hit everything in cone' way of dealing damage can deal *much* more than the number on the weapon would suggest

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Of shotguns, combat shotguns and sergeants

Okay, this one is likely to be unpopular, but I think it deserves to be presented anyway. In current beta Combat Shotguns were pushed to level 6, and "vanilla" shotguns got their reload time halved to make them more notable. The result was, from what I hear (yet have to download the RC3 myself) were pretty devastating, especially for people who play AoB. Here is where my most likely to be unpopular suggestion comes in - remove "vanilla" shotguns. Flag them as monster-only weapon and move CShotty where it was before the RC to fill in the gap. Really, though some may argue - since times eternal shotgun was just a bridge to CShotty, and at best got it's five minutes of glory if somebody ammassed several of them and decided to brave the (back then easier I believe) Hell's Arena. I sincerly believe that no amount of pushing CShotty back will make shotguns a notable weapon - it's only delaying the inevitable swap-out, and as shown above any attempts to buff it are likely to result in unforseen problems with sergeants who appear early, aplenty and wield it.

Should that idea prove to be no-go, and people really, really insist on keeping the vanilla shotgun then at least do another thing and make the sergeant-shotgun unbuffed mob-only version of vanilla shotgun.

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Of sergeants and shells

This is a minor thing compared to the two others but... Well I've recently thought about shell drops and noticed something: the floor-appearing shells come in packs of 8 which is usually pretty ignorable amount all things considered. On the other hands sergeants carry around enormous amount of 30 shells each. This leads to situation where early game shotty players have more ammo than they need and can carry (due to plentiful sergeants), while on later levels when sergeants start to appear sparingly they suddenly have troubles to supply their weapons of choice, since most of the time they only find amounts that are a drop in the sea of need when faced with much hardier and more armored mobs that appear on later levels. I think some rebalance is in order, not sure what numbeers would be good though.

11

Discussion / Sound API discussion and requests

« on: June 09, 2011, 16:33 »

Okay short version - the God Hand stated that DoomRL 0.9.9.4, when it starts to get coded will see a rewrite of sound API... again. Since it'd be silly to have him rewrite said API only to find that he needs to do it again a version or two later to include something else I proposed to make a topic to discuss what works and what doesn't with the sound/music systems and what do we want to see in new API if anything.

So here is the thread... two or three weeks later than it should (Ugh). Current stated goals for the new API are to allow for:

1) random sounds and music
2) pan and volume control
3) positional control (and maybe an OpenAL implementation for true surround sound)

If there is something you want to see changed or improved regarding to sounds and musics write so while there is still time.

my personal ideas:
- Ability to mix and match between random music and pre-set music (so I could for example have the same music for special levels always, but music on regular levels would be randomized)
- Ability to have several sound to be played in order from one bind if at all possible (i.e. if I have reload sound in three pieces currently I'd have to find a way to merge it in one file - what I'd want to see is a way to bind them all to <weapon>.reload and have them played in order)

12

Modding / [SPOILER] Sounds for Shambler

« on: May 07, 2011, 12:52 »

As requested by Game Hunter sounds to use with Shambler. Note that there are more sounds than necessary - you'll have to decide yourself how to work with them, myself I use this:

Code: [Select]

-- Shambler

shambler = {
die = "sounds/Bosses/shambler/sdeath.wav",
act = "sounds/Bosses/shambler/ssight.wav",
hit = "sounds/Bosses/shambler/shurt2.wav",
melee = "sounds/Bosses/shambler/melee2.wav",
fire = "sounds/Bosses/shambler/lhit.wav",
},

13

Graveyard / [4e] The Garden of Graves - IC

« on: November 14, 2010, 07:18 »

"A small issue"
"It shouldn't be a problem to heroes of your caliber"
Oh it's always "small problem" and "easily solved" when people hire you, and they expect for you to take the cheapest pay. One does wonder why don't they solve them by themselves if they are so easy. The thing was, that with half of your small group near broke, you needed to take the job. The task itself was fairly straightforward, if not necessarily easy to finish - something was pillaging and burning small settlements near the city of Fallcrest. You were hired to track it down and kill it. What was it exactly was a less clear matter - of few survivors some claimed they saw a dragon, others talked about a pack of dog-like creatures. Whatever it was, the destruction it caused was rather easy to follow, and it seemed you might be near catching up with it soon.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Blergh. Sorry for the crappy intro, but there was no good entry point to adventure itself so I had to make something up. For now you have some time to talk to each other and do some exposition.

14

Graveyard / [4e] The Garden of Graves - OOC

« on: November 09, 2010, 13:27 »

I'm considering starting yet another 4e game here on the boards. I can't speak much without spoiling but it would start with an adventure for level 10 character, and could possibly go up to early epics (I'm saying possibly because who knows would interest - both of potential players and mine - last the whole way). There will be an overarching plot spanning through the whole thing, even if not necessarily present in each adventure along the way.

Fair warnings:
1) I'm probably not as good DM as other people running games here, and I will be working on published material, so while I'll try my best be prepared to endure some less then stellar efforts on my part if you join.
2) This is Dungeons and Dragons 4e. Combat will happen and will happen a lot most likely. If you get bored with combat easily that's probably not a game for you.

So, any victims voulnteers?

Confirmed players:
-Tavana (Controller)
-Gargulec (Defender)
-SKRen (Striker)
-Madtrixr (Leader)
-thelaptop (Striker)

15

Off Topic / General humor thread - 4 teh lulz!

« on: August 10, 2010, 14:02 »

So as mentioned on IRC I dug up loltastic take on Starcraft 1 history. Since it was wee bit too long to paste into IRC I'm posting it here, and since we didn't have a general humor thread I'm making one.

Disclaimer: Stuff below is (obviously) not of my making. I just dug it up on internet somwhere (gamefaqs I think) and saved it. Enjoy.

Spoiler: "Chapter 1 - The Protoss" (click to show/hide)

Xel'Naga: Hey! Lookat this!
Early Protoss: Ug. Protoss hunt.
Xel'Naga: Nifty! GENETIC ENGINEERING!
Early Protoss: ftw h4x
*evolves*
Protoss: My psi! She is stronger!
Xel'Naga: Wassaaaap?
Protoss: Wassaaaaaaap?
Xel'Naga: WORSHIP US FOR WE ARE YOUR GODS!
Protoss: k
Xel'Naga: Good, good. MORE GENETIC ENGINEERING!

*much later*

Protoss: Dude, we want to LEARN and stuff!
Xel'Naga: Okay
Protoss: That entails us tribes going our seperate ways. Hope that's okay.
Xel'Naga: Blast. Well, back to the drawing board.
Protoss: YOU'RE LEAVING!?
Xel'Naga: Ya.
Protoss: NNNOOOOOOO!
*they attack*
Xel'Naga: RUN AWAY!
*they do*
Protoss 1: Now what?
Protoss 2: CIVIL WAR OMG

*Aeon of Strife*

Khas: Ooh, a shiny khaydarin crystal! *poke*
Protoss: CIVIL WAR OMG
Khas: My psi! I have recovered it! Gather unto me, followers!
KHALAI ASSEMBLE!
*they do*
Khas: End the civil war!
*they do*

*Second Age*

Protoss: We must establish a caste system!
Templar: TEMPLAR! WARRIORS AND PROTECTORS!
Judicators: JUDICATOR! ADMINISTRATORS AND GOVERNORS!
Khalai: KHALAI! SCHOLARS AND LABOURERS!
Templar: Man, you guys got the shaft.
Judicators: lol
Khalai: ._.

Judicators: We must safeguard the lesser races!
Templar: k

*they do*

Rogue tribes: This Khala **** sucks.
Conclave: Blast! Adun, go talk some sense into them.
Adun: If by "talk some sense into them" you mean "teach them how to harness their latent and extremely dangerous psionic powers", then it shall be done!
*he does*
Rogue tribes: W00t we have teh 1337 psi!
Conclave: wtf h4x
Adun: >_>
Conclave: ADUN! You gave them psi powers!
Adun: <_<
Conclave: The rogue tribes shall henceforth be known as the Dark Templar....
Dark Templar: Our name kicks ass. ^_^
Conclave: ...and be banished from Aiur forever.
Dark Templar: Drat.

*much later*

Protoss: Hey lookie!
Terrans: Stupid warp drive...stupid Earth.
*they colonize the Koprulu sector*
Conclave: Tassadar, go check it out.
Tassadar: Righty. Hey, what's this?
*finds living probe*
Tassadar: Neat. Let's bring it back for study!
*they do*

Probe: Find humanity. Kill em. Evolve an stuff.
Tassadar: o.O
Conclave: They must be hostile aliens come to kill us all!
Tassadar: You think maybe?
Conclave: Made by the Xel'Naga!
Protoss: O.O
Conclave: Send scouts!
Tassadar: We should protect the Terrans.
Conclave: Nah. Just burn 'em if they're infected.
Tassadar: But-
Conclave: DO IT N00B!
Tassadar: -_-

Scouts: INCOMING!
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE
Terrans: SNAP!
*Zerg infest Chau Sara*
Conclave: Burn 'em!
Tassadar: But-
Conclave: I SAID BURN 'EM!
Tassadar: ._.
*he does*
Terrans: They attacked us! Quick, intercept!
*Zerg infest Mar Sara*
Conclave: Burn 'em!
Tassadar: No.
Conclave: O.O

Spoiler: "Chapter 2 - The Zerg" (click to show/hide)

Xel'Naga: Well, we sure screwed up with the Protoss, didn't we? Hey, look!
*they find the early Zerg*
Xel'Naga: Let's give them crazy possessing abilities! GENETIC ENGINEERING!
*Zerg evolve*
Xel'Naga: Cool!
*Zerg eradicate "inferior" races*
Xel'Naga: Whoah! They can steer the evolution of their hosts!
*hosts mutate into scary-looking beats*
Xel'Naga: Neato.

Xel'Naga: Hey, wait a sec. The Protoss rebelled against us! We should make sure the Zerg don't do the same.
*they create the Overmind*
Overmind: y helo thar
*Overmind creates Cerebrates*
Cerebrates: sup d00ds

*Zerg spread rapidly across Zerus*
Overmind: Wow. We kick ass.
Cerebrates: <g>
Overmind: We're going to need to leave Zerus soon...oh! Look!
Giant space creatures: ^_^
Overmind: If we assimilate them, we can expand through space! TO ME MY GIANT SPACE CREATURES!
Giant space creatures: Must...obey...
*Giant space creatures are assimilated*
Overmind: ^_^
Xel'Naga: We rock. ^_^

*Zerg expand into space*

Overmind: wtf giant spaceships above Zerus
Xel'Naga: Ack! The Overmind severed its psychic link with us, effectively hiding it from our sight! H4X!
Overmind: Attack!
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE
Xel'Naga: NNNOOOOOOOOO!
*Xel'Naga are wiped out*
Overmind: gg no re
*Overmind learns of the Protoss*
Overmind: MUST ASSIMILATE! TO THE SKIES MY MINIONS!
*the Swarm leaves Zerus*

*much time passes*

Overmind: Protoss are psionic. We need psi to counter them!
Probes: Check it out!
*probes discover Terrans*
Probes: They have latent psionic powers, too.
Overmind: Oh, that's handy. ASSIMILATE THEM!
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE
*Zerg infest Chau Sara*
Tassadar: Have at you!
*Protoss fleet burns Chau Sara*
Overmind: WTF RE
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE
*Zerg infest Mar Sara*

Spoiler: "Chapter 3 - The Terrans" (click to show/hide)

Humanity: lol technological advance
*crazy mutations and cybernetic enhancements*
Humanity: Err...
Corporate sector: We shall capitalize on this!
Humanist factions: Hell no!
*civil war*
Media: Let's watch!
*irresponsible media coverage*
Humanity: Noes!

*international pandemonium*

United Nations: We should do something!
*United Powers League is founded*
UPL: We shall restore order!
*they do*
UPL: We shall unify mankind!
*religions are banned, English designated the official language*
UPL: We shall CLEANSE HUMANITY!
Humanity: Ulp...
*Great Purification*
*400 million people apprehended and executed*
Humanity: wtf teamkillers?
UPL Media: Nothing going on here, just move right along...
Humanity: k
UPL: Gogo space exploration!
*founds colonies in the Terran star system*
Doran Routhe: Further!
*Warp drive and cryogenic hibernation developed*
Routhe: We must colonize beyond our star system!
UPL: Here, take these prisoners and dissidents and use them as colonists.
Routhe: ...are you sure that's wise?
UPL: Worked for the British Empire, didn't it?

Routhe: Okay, sure. I'll name one supercarrier after that ship in Greek mythology, another after a US President, and the remaining two shall be made-up names.
*Argo, Reagan, Sarengo, Nagglfar are commissioned*
Routhe: Install some sort of guidance on the one.
*ATLAS is installed on Nagglfar*
Routhe: Now set course for Gantris IV!
Technicians: Should we put ATLAS on the other three, too?
Routhe: Nah, just program them all to follow the Naggy.
Technicians: But what if ATLAS screws up?
Routhe: Don't be silly. ATLAS won't screw up.

*ATLAS screws up*

ATLAS: ...****. Which way was Gantris IV? Damnit. Okay...oh, darn, I've forgotten where Earth was, too. We'll just blunder blindly along for a while, then...
*they do*

Warp drives: I'M MELTING! MEEEELLLLTTIIINNNGGGG!
*critical meltdown, fleet emerges from warp space*
Sarengo: WE'RE GOIN' DOWN!
*crashlands and kills all passengers*
Reagan: LOOKOUT BELOW!
*makes controlled descent*
Argo: AAIIEEEE!
*lands on Moria*
Nagglfar: Wheeeee!
*lands on Tarsonis*

All passengers: What the hell happened?
Reagan passengers: Damnit! The memory banks are erased!
Argo passengers: Damnit! The memory banks are erased!
Sarengo passengers: *dead*
Nagglfar passengers: Let's see here...where are we?
ATLAS: >_>
Passengers: ...you got us lost?
ATLAS: <_<
Passengers: ATLAS U NUB
ATLAS: ._.

Tarsonis: We must develop intra-system travel!
*they do*
Tarsonis: Wassaaaap?
Umoja: Wassaaaaaaaappp!?
Moria: WAAAASSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!?!?!?!?
Tarsonis: We should all join together in a conglomerated government.
Umoja: Nah.
Moria: No thanks.
Tarsonis: -_-'
*Tarsonis develops powerful military*
Tarsonis: lol Terran Confederacy
Moria: They have a big military! We can't allow the Confederacy to push us around and steal our lucrative mining!
*Kel-Morian Combine is formed*
Confederacy: The tensions, they be risin...
Combine: True dat.
*The Guild Wars*
Confed: Okay, peacetalks.
Combine: No arguments here.
Confed: We should stop fighting.
Combine: No arguments here.
Confed: We'll let you guys keep your autonomy.
Combine: No arguments here.
Confed: We'll also annex most of your mining operations.
Combine: No argu - wait, annex the what-now?
Umoja: Screw that.
*founds Umojan Protectorate*
Confeds: Rampant expansionism! Claim more worlds!
*they do*
Confeds: I hope no pirate and radical militia organizations pop up.
*they do*
Confeds: Drat.
Korhal: We don't like associating ourselves with those increasingly corrupt Confederates.
*they rebel*
Confeds: Can't allow that. CRUSH THE REBELLION!
Angus Mengsk: OPEN WAR ON THE CONFEDERATION!
Confeds: O RLY?
Mengsk: YA RLY!
Confeds: NO WAI!
*they send assassins*
Mengsk: OMG ASSASSINS!
*dies*
Confeds: rofl
Arcturus Mengsk: You bastards! You killed my family!
*rounds up a ragtag army*
Mengsk: TO BATTLE!
*they harass the Confeds*
Confeds: Harass this!
*NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED*
Korhal: x_x
Mengsk: ;_;
*founds Sons of Korhal*

*some years later*

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE
Confeds: wtf?
Protoss: Take this!
*Protoss burn Chau Sara*
Confeds: To arms, Terrans! ATTACK!
*they do*
Protoss: Carriers = Instant Win!
*shrugs off attack(instantly)*
Tassadar: Wait a tick...
*withdraws*
Confeds: *phew* That was a close ca-
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE
*Zerg infest Mar Sara*
Confeds: >_<

Spoiler: "Chapter 4 - The Terran Campaign" (click to show/hide)

Adjutant: Y helo thar...
Magistrate: LUE is that way --->
Adjutant: Equipment demonstration!
Magistrate: ^_^
Adjutant: ...cuz you're a n00b.
Magistrate: ;_;

Duke: Okay, Mar Sara's quarantined. Move your colonists.
Magistrate: ...ass...
Raynor: Howdy fellas.
Adjutant: We should set up a base. 10 marines ought to be enough to hold off these legions of aliens.
Magistrate: ...

Backwater Station: HELP!
Duke: Don't get involved. We'll deal with it.
Raynor: Lies!
Magistrate: A house of them!
Duke: I said don't get involved!
*they do*
Raynor: OMG AN INFESTED COMMAND CENTER!
*destroys*
Duke: You willfully destroyed Confederate property!
Raynor: ...it said "Infested Terran Command Center"...
Duke: Arrest him!
*Raynor is arrested*

Magistrate: Huh. The Confeds sure suck at this "defense" thing.
Arcturus Mengsk: I can help.
Magistrate: O RLY?
Mengsk: YA RLY
Magistrate: What's the catch?
Mengsk: You have to join my rebel organization and become my pawns.
Magistrate: k

Confeds: Some Magistrate you are. SUSPEND'D
Magistrate: Pfft...
Raynor: I am free! FREE!
Mengsk: Send your colonial militia to go raid a top-security Confederate installation.
*they do*
Raynor: Ooh, shiny weapon schematics!

Mengsk: gj
Raynor: ^_^
Mengsk: Now go meet up with Kerrigan and free Antiga Prime.
Raynor: Y helo thar... ^_^
*Raynor's thoughts: (>^(>^_^)>*
Kerrigan: -_-'
Raynor: >_>
Kerrigan: We should kill the Confederate leader guy in that command center.
*she does*
Antigans: W00t w00t!
Raynor: Join us!
Antigans: k
*they do*
Mengsk: Destroy the Confed outpost!
*they do*

Norad II: AAAIIIEEEE LOOKOUT BELOW!! O.O
*crash*
Mengsk: Go rescue them.
Raynor: WTF
Mengsk: Go rescue them!
Raynor: But they're Confeds!
Mengsk: GO RESCUE THEM!
*they do*
Duke: Gee, thanks. Guess I'll switch sides now.

Confeds: PREPARE TO ATTACK AHAHAHAHA!
Mengsk: Here, use this psi emitter.
Kerrigan: What's it do?
Mengsk: Lures the Zerg.
Kerrigan: >_>
*she does*
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE
*Confeds are crushed*

Mengsk: Now to strike the finishing blow...
Duke: There's these three bigass platforms in orbit. If we attack one, we can sneak a strike force through?
Mengsk: What about the other two?
Duke: stfu n00b
*they attack the platform*
Confeds: See that base over there near the bottom edge of the platform? Let's conveniently place some useful addons there and leave them abandonded.
*they do*
Duke: Score!
*Confeds are crushed*
Mengsk: Bahahahaha...
*Sons of Korhal place psi emitter on Tarsonis*
Mengsk: Why are you all looking at me funny? We're just slaughtering innocents.

Mengsk: The Protoss are descending on Tarsonis! Kerrigan, go take 'em out!
Kerrigan: k
Protoss: Lookie! Terrans!
Terrans: DIE!
*they do*
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE
Mengsk: Pull out!
Kerrigan: Okay!
Mengsk: Not you!
Kerrigan: ._.
*Terrans are overrun*
Raynor: My heart, she's a-broke.

Raynor: Screw this, I be leavin'.
Mengsk: I will DESTROY you.
Raynor: stfu
Mengsk: DESTROY! WITH MY ION CANNON!
Raynor: Gee, it'd sure be bad if that Ion Cannon were destroyed...
*it is*
Raynor: Toodles!

Spoiler: "Chapter 5 - The Zerg Campaign" (click to show/hide)

Cerebrate: THE LIGHT! IT BURNS! IT BURRRRNNNSSS!
Overmind: stfu n00b
Cerebrate: ._.
Overmind: Watch over the Chrysalis. That's your job.
Cerebrate: k
Zasz: Kill those terrans.
*they do*

Overmind: The Chrysalis is intact. Good. You're strong enough for warp travel now, so let's get a move on. TO CHAR!
Cerebrate: Are we there yet?
Overmind: No.
Cerebrate: Are we there yet?
Overmind: No.
Cerebrate: Are we there yet?
Overmind: No.
Cerebrate: Are we there yet?
Overmind: STFU
Daggoth: Here, occupy yourself with these Protoss.
Cerebrate: Ehehehe, this is fun! GO MY MINIONS!
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE

Overmind: Check out the visions eminating from the Chrysalis.
Cerebrate: ...whoah.
Overmind: Cool, huh?
Zasz: The crazy visions have lured our enemies!
Daggoth: Take 'em out.
*they do*
Duke: RUN AWAY!
Daggoth: Let 'em go. I'll take care of them...
*he does*

*crazy vision cinematic*

Zasz: More enemies!
Overmind: Deal with it. Pshaw.
*they do*
Overmind: The Chrysalis is almost ready to hatch. Mwahahahahaha...
Raynor: Okay d00ds, stay frosty...
Raynor's Raiders: Uh...sir? We're on Char.
Raynor: -_-'
Zasz: THE CHRYSALIS IS OPENING OMG
Overmind: Arise, my daughter. Arise...Kerrigan.
All: WTF H4X
Kerrigan: Obey!
Raynor: Sara?
Kerrigan: Thassright nub.
Raynor: So...you gonna kill me or what?
Kerrigan: Nah.
Raynor: How about dinner?
Kerrigan: Leave.

Kerrigan: Well, thanks for watching over me.
Cerebrate: No problem.
Kerrigan: I need to board a science vessel so I can undo the crazy Ghost conditioning and uber-up my psi powers.
Zasz: REMEMBER YOUR PLACE SERVANT!
Kerrigan: Sod off.
Overmind: Aw, ain't she a dear?
Daggoth: Here's a few Hunter Killers.
Science vessel crew: OMG ZERG!
Kerrigan: AHAHAHAHA!
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE
Kerrigan: w00t records

Kerrigan: PROTOSS OMG
Cerebrate: Where!?
Kerrigan: They've been here some time. Hiding.
Cerebrate: INVISIBLE HAX OMG
Tassadar: Oh hey, it's you. The Terran. Too bad you're ZERG SCUM NOW.
Kerrigan: h8u
Tassadar: 1v1 nub
Kerrigan: k
Tassadar: gl
Kerrigan: hf
*Tassadar vanishes*
Kerrigan: OMG HALLUCINATION
Tassadar: gg no re

Daggoth: Zasz is dead!
Kerrigan: You twit, he'll be reincarnated.
Daggoth: No, he's ACTUALLY dead.
Kerrigan: Damnit! Tassadar was a diversion!
Daggoth: You got owned in the face.
Cerebrate: Guess someone's going to have take out Zasz's rampaging brood.
Daggoth: >_>
Kerrigan: <_<
Cerebrate: ...I hate you guys.
Overmind: Okay, I'm better now. Damned Dark Templar.
Daggoth: Now what?
Overmind: When the one guy killed Zasz, his mind touched mine.
Cerebrate: That sounds...
Overmind: Get your mind outta the gutter!
Cerebrate: ._.
Overmind: I now know where Aiur is!
Daggoth: But first, we must eradicate the Dark Templar!
Kerrigan: *yawn*...boring.
Zeratul: You'd be wise to BACK OFF. *****.
Kerrigan: STFU
*Kerrigan pwns the Dark Templar base*

Kerrigan: I'll stay behind and hunt them down...
Overmind: TO AIUR!

Overmind: Hehehe...soon we'll assimilate the Protoss. I can't wait. (>^_^<) Anyway, go get me some Khaydarin crystals.
Cerebrate: Didn't know you were into that new-age crap.
Overmind: -_-

Overmind: Okay, step two. See that temple over there?
Cerebrate: The one that's built on the spot where the Xel'Naga first set foot on Aiur?
Overmind: Yeah. Burn it to the ground.
Cerebrate: ...what?
Overmind: And then place the crystal there.
Cerebrate: ...wtf.
Overmind: AND THEN I SHALL BE MANIFEST AHAHAHAHA!
Cerebrate: Why would you want do take a physical form?
Overmind: Uh...
Cerebrate: I mean, right now you're a bodiless entity. If you took physical form, wouldn't that just make you easier to destroy?
Overmind: RAZE THE DAMN TEMPLE!
*they do*

Spoiler: "Chapter 6 - The Protoss Campaign" (click to show/hide)

Aldaris: Sup nub
Executor: Hi
Aldaris: I'm Aldaris, your super-conservative Judicator advisor.
Executor: Nice to meet you
Aldaris: You know, your predecessor Tassadar was a DISOBEDIANT LITTLE SNOT
Executor: ...
Aldaris: Anyway, go secure Antioch.
*he does*
Fenix: Executor!
Executor: Fenix!
Fenix: Wassap buddy?
Executor: Oh, not a lot. Got promoted to Executor. You?
Fenix: You're lookin' at Praetor Fenix, my friend
Executor: Is that anything like the Roman office of Praetor?
Fenix: The super-high-up executive position? Apparently not since I'm still a basic melee unit.

Aldaris: Congrats on not being incompetent...
Executor: Thanks...?
Aldaris: ...unlike that INSUBORDINATE SCUMBUCKET TASSADAR!
Tassadar: HEY! I heard that!
Aldaris: TASSADAR OMG WHERE'VE U BEEN?
Tassadar: Chillin' like a villain.
Executor: Uh-
Tassadar: Well, not really. Not at all, in fact, since I've been on Char.
*pause*
Tassadar: It's a joke you idiots. Char is a ball of molten rock.
*It should be noted that the Protoss are not known for their sense of humor*
Tassadar: Anyway, I've been hangin' with this guy Zeratul-
Aldaris: A DARK TEMPLAR OMFG
Tassadar: STFU
Aldaris: ._.
Executor: Do go on.
Tassadar: Anyway, he says that if you kill the Cerebrates, the broods will fall.
Fenix: Worth a shot!
*Fenix kills a Cerebrate*
Cerebrate: AHAHA FOOL I AM REBORN
Fenix: H4X

Aldaris: That's what you get for trusting a SPARTAN DOG LIKE TASSADAR!
Executor: ...right.
Aldaris: Let's go about this the old-fashioned way: HEAD-ON ASSAULT!
Executor: ...Protoss rush?
Fenix: Kekekekeke!
Aldaris: TO SCION!
Fenix: I'll just stay here then.

Fenix: Hmm. Nice day.
Hyrdalisk: HSSSSSS
Fenix: Aah! A Zerg!
*Fenix manifests his psiblades*
Fenix: En guarde!
*Psiblades fizzle*
Fenix: ...snap.
Hydralisk: SSSRRRAAAAAAA!
Fenix: "Keep going and going" my ass. Stupid bunny...

Aldaris: Shame about Fenix.
Executor: ...
Aldaris: Well, he died a warrior's death.
Executor: True dat.
Aldaris: Well now it's time to look to greater threats, specifically that BLASPHEMING SONOFA***** TASSADAR.
Executor: Could you remind me again why one rogue Templar is a greater threat than a full-scale invasion of the Homeworld?
Aldaris: Because I said so.
Executor: Right. Anyhow, you were saying?
Aldaris: We need to hunt him down and bring him to justice. TO THE GANTRITHOR!
Executor: Holy hereric, Batman!
*theme music*

*later, in orbit of Char*
Tassadar: Aldaris? Executor? MY HEROES!
Aldaris: We've come to arrest you. HERETIC.
Executor: >_>
Raynor: You know I was arrested once, too.
Aldaris: A...human?
Raynor: Back off, buddy. I won't be talked down to by ANYBODY.
(Exception: Sara Kerrigan, Queen of Blades)
Aldaris: Amusing. Take them away, boys.
Tassadar: Wait! Executor, you must help me find Zeratul! They can take down the Overmind!
Aldaris: Side with the Dark Ones? NO WAI!
Executor: Sure.
Aldaris: !!!

Aldaris: This is folly, you know, Executor. Turn back now and the Conclave might spare your blasphemous ass.
Tassadar: Just ignore him and ge'll go away.
Aldaris: h8u
Tassadar: The energies wielded by the Dark Templar are the same as used by the Overmind and his minions. ONLY THEY CAN TRULY DEFEAT THE ZERG!
Executor: So what's the plan then? Find the Dark Templar and return them to Aiur?
Tassadar: Ding ding.
Tassadar: He's here somewhere...
Executor: How can you tell? Dark Templar are permacloaked.
Tassadar: ...
Executor: That's what I thought.
Tassadar: Hey Zeratul! I'm back, and I've come to take you home!
Zeratul: As cool as that is, I doubt the Conclave would welcome us.
Tassadar: Welcome shmelcome. THE HOMEWORLD IS UNDER ATTACK AND WE NEED YOUR HELP!
Zeratul: ZOUNDS!

*back on Aiur*

Fenix: Executor! Nice to see you again!
Tassadar: FENIX! But...you were...
Fenix: Killed and then placed in a Dragoon shell? Yeah, that's right.
Tassadar: I'm shocked.
Fenix: What? That's how Dragoons are made, silly.
Executor: Yeah, guess we should have seen that coming.
Tassadar: ._.
Fenix: Don't be sad! I can still KICK SOME ZERG ASS! Anyway, you've both been branded traitors.
Executor: Fun for us.
Fenix: The Conclave wants to arrest you all and execute the Dark Templar.
Tassadar: The fools! Well, we gotta protect the Dark Templar.
Fenix: You know what this means...
Executor: CIVIL WAR OMG
Aldaris: TASSADAR! CEASE YOUR RESISTANCE AND SURRENDER TO THE CONCLAVE! We will then DEAL WITH THE DARK TEMPLAR!
Tassadar: Shove it.
*Forces of the Conclave and the Executor duke it out*
Tassadar: NNOO! This madness must END! I surrender. ._.
Aldaris: gg no re

Fenix: Well, there goes THAT plan. Tassadar's been arrested, and the Dark Templar have vanished.
Executor: Guess we can't defeat the Overmind now, huh?
Raynor: Howdy fellas. I wanna help Tassadar.
Fenix: Sounds like a plan.
*Executor's forces assault the detention facility*
Fenix: There! That's Tassadar's stasis cell! FREE HIM!
*they do*
Aldaris: Hah! I expected this. Prepare to die!
Zeratul: Not so fast!
Aldaris: SNEAK ATTACK OMFG
Zeratul: Back off.
Aldaris: I will not be addressed by the likes of YOU!
Zeratul: You're a moron.
Aldaris: NO U
Zeratul: Buzz off.

Tassadar: You released me! ^_^
Executor: T'was nothing.
Tassadar: Zeratul, maybe we ought to tell these guys what we know about the Zerg.
Zeratul: The Zerg were created by the Xel'Naga.
All: GASP!
Zeratul: And the Overmind's come here to try and finish their experiments. It wants to assimilate us. And then everything else.
All: GASP!
Tassadar: See? We gotta win.
Fenix: Okay, here's the plan: We'll engage the main Zerg force while Zeratul slips in and cuts up a few Cerebrates.
Zeratul: What, just me? What about my bretheren?
Tassadar: We can't find them ANYWHERE.
Zeratul: Bastards. <_<
*Zeratul kills a few Cerebrates*

Fenix: Haha, it worked! The broods are helpless!
Tassadar: Well guys...this is it. The final showdown.
*tumbleweed*
Tassadar: We may not all survive this battle. But we're sure as hell gonna win it!
All: YAY!
Raynor: Guess I have to see this through to the end.
Aldaris: Um...Executor, Tassadar...*cough*...Zeratul...
Tassadar: Yes?
Aldaris: Well, we uh, we...um...
Tassadar: Go on.
Aldaris: The Conclave...uh...
Tassadar: Spit it out!
Aldaris: We're sorry!
Tassadar: ^_^
Aldaris: You were right all along, and we shouldn't have tried to punish you.
Raynor: So are you sendin' reinforcements?
Aldaris: Bye!
Raynor: -_-

*Combined forces beat the crap outta the Zerg*

Tassadar: It's the Overmind! Attack it!
*they do*
Tassadar: Blast! The Gantrithor's been hit! She's going down!
Executor: No!

Overmind: Aah! Damn, that hurts.
Tassadar: Yoo-hoo!
Overmind: !!
Tassadar: Hey Overmind!
Overmind: Haha, your command ship is going to crash.
Tassadar: Oh, not just crash.
*Tassadar channels Dark Templar energies*
Overmind: ...huh?
Tassadar: KAMAKAZIE!
*smash*
Overmind: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*implode*

Spoiler: "Chapter 7 - The Protoss Expansion" (click to show/hide)

Aldaris: Well...Conclave's dead. Guess that means we're the de facto leaders of Aiur.
Zeratul: Guess so.
Artanis: Kind of ironic, hey? A Judicator and a Dark Templar?
All: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Artanis: Oh. I'm Artanis. Duh. En Taro Tassadar.
Zeratul: Typo, nub. That's En Taro Adun.
Artanis: Nu-uh. Tassadar = my hero. <3
Aldaris: >_>
Zeratul: We should evacuate Aiur...
Aldaris: k
Zeratul: ...to the Dark Templar homeworld of Shakuras.
Aldaris: WTF The Dark Templar aren't going to just welcome us with open arms.
Zeratul: You'll find we're not quite as closed-minded and predjudiced as JUDICATOR SCUM.
Aldaris: ._.
Executor: That's all well and good...but how the hell are we going to get there?
Zeratul: We'll use the warp gate.
Executor: What warp gate?
Zeratul: The warp gate that connects Shakuras with Aiur.
Executor: ...why is there a warp gate leading to the homeworld of a band of outcasts that the Conclave has until very recently despised?
Zeratul: ...
Executor: And if there's been a warp gate there all along, why the hell did Tassadar have to go hunt you down in the Protoss campaign?
Zeratul: stfu nub
*they reactivate the warp gate*
Fenix: I'll stay here and valiantly defend the gate!
Raynor: Me too!
*they do*

Artanis: Let's set up a colony...here.
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKE
Artanis: WTF YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO GUARD THE WARP GATE AND PREVENT THE ZERG FROM GETTING THROUGH!
Fenix and Raynor: ._.
*they recapture the warp gate and shut it down*
Dark Templar: TO THE RESCUE!
*they save the colony*

Raszagal: ZERATUL!
Zeratul: RAZZY!
Raszagal: Glad to have you back. Who're these n00bs?
Aldaris: We're the guys who've been descriminating against you for a few thousand years.
Raszagal: Oh, right, you guys. How's things?
Executor: Good, good. Except the Homeworld was invaded by creepy aliens who've followed us here.
Raszagal: ...
Executor: ...sorry about that.
Raszagal: Well, no problem. We'll just use that fancy Xel'Naga temple to repel the Zerg.
Executor: How's it work?
Raszagal: You need two special Khaydarin crystals.
Executor: Well, go get 'em.
Raszagal: ...er...we lost them.
Executor: >_>
Zeratul: Before we go crystal hunting, we need to kill those two Cerebrates near the temple.
*they do*

Zeratul: OMG AN OVERLORD
Overlord: >_>;;
Kerrigan: Sup y'all. I need to speak with your Matriarch.
Aldaris: But-
Raszagal: 'k
Aldaris: WTF
Kerrigan: So the Overmind's dead.
Artanis: We know.
Kerrigan: Whatever influence it had over me is gone. But Daggoth and a bunch of other Cerebrates are trying to create a new Overmind. That'd be bad, 'cause it could control me again.
Aldaris: Queen of Blades...
Kerrigan: ...yeah?
Aldaris: YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!
*storms out*
Zeratul: Er...anyway, we'll help you kill the new Overmind if you help us find these two crystals.
Kerrigan: Deal.
Zeratul: TO BRAXIS!

*Braxis*

Kerrigan: So why'd you give the crystal to these WACKY TERRANS?
Zeratul: We didn't. This used to be a Protoss colony waaaaaay back, and the Terrans moved here recently.
Artanis: OMFG THE WARP MATRIX IS DAMAGED
Executor: Meaning...what exactly?
Artanis: We can't warp in Carriers.
Executor: No instant win!?
Artanis: No instant win.
Executor: Damnit.
*they defeat the Terrans the old fashioned way and recover the Uraj*

Stukov: Not so fast, you Protoss scallywags!
Executor: ...who the hell are you?
Stukov: I am Vice Admiral Alexi Stukov of the United Earth Directorate, and I have a heavy Russian accent. I am also blockading your retreat.
Executor: That'll never do...Artanis! Break the blockade!
Artanis: In UED Russia, blockade breaks YOU!
Stukov: I HEARD THAT!
*Artanis breaks through*

Zeratul: How coincidental that the Khalis crystal is on Char within spitting distance of the new Overmind.
Blizzard level designers: >_>
Executor: Also ironic that the Dark Templar crystal is named after the guy who came up with the Khala.
Kerrigan: So is this one of those wacky "chose one path of two" missions?
Zeratul: Well...no. Both paths have the same outcome.
Kerrigan: Lame. Remind me not to do that in my campaign.
Artanis: So, Executor...the purely superficial choice is up to you.
Executor: ASSAULT THE OVERMIND WITH CARRIERS!
*builds a carrier*
Carrier: INSTANT WIN
*win*

Artanis: We're back!
Raszagal: Aldaris led a revolt and attacked us! Go kill him!
Executor: 'k
Zeratul: ...something's up.
*Raszagal leaves*
Zeratul: This ain't like her. The Matriarch has always been kind an' stuff.
Kerrigan: <_<

Artanis: OMG they're gonna use Archons!
Zeratul: Ah, but we have Dark Archons! We've outlawed their creation for a long time, which implies that they're really superpowerful, but in actual fact they're only mediocre. But they're still good!
Artanis: And they look cool.
Dark Archon: True dat.
*Aldaris is surrounded*
Aldaris: Wait, lemmie explain! Kerrigan is somehow influencing Raszagal's mind, and-
Kerrigan: Aha!
Aldaris: *dies*
Zeratul: HEY! You've been meddling this whole time! Begone!
Kerrigan: Okay, now that I've USED YOU ALL LIKE PUPPETS AHAHAHAHAHA!

Raszagal: Now retake the temple and use the crystals!
Artanis: Appropriately, I, a Templar, will carry Uraj.
Zeratul: And I, a Dark Templar, will carry Khalis.
Executor: ...you guys suck.
*Zeratul and Artanis activate the temple*

Zeratul: Okay, this thing goes...here?
Artanis: No, damnit, like this! *inserts crystal*
Zeratul: Like...?
Artanis: You're useless.
Zeratul: This new-fangled technology confuses and frightens me. Here, youngin', you do it.
Artanis: Bah. *inserts crystal*
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEK-
*a'splosion*

Spoiler: "Brood War Intro" (click to show/hide)

DuGalle: Are you prepared to go all the way with this, Alexi?
Alexi: >_>

Spoiler: "Chapter 8 - The Terran Expansion" (click to show/hide)

Adjutant: Get the hell up, you!
Captain: ...ugh...
DuGalle: *big inspirational speech*
Captain: *yawn*
Stukov: Establish a ground base on Braxis. And hand the Confederates their asses while you're at it.
Captain: 'k
Marine: DERES NO GAS AT THIS BASE WTF
Captain: Adjutant u n00b!
Adjutant: ._.
Duran: I've got some gas...
Captain: o.0
Duran: Also intimate knowledge of important stuff like Confederate defenses. Anyway, my teammates are nubs, so can I switch sides?
Captain: ...uh...sure.
Confeds: OMG BACKSTABBER!

DuGalle: Now we need to bolster our fleet. To the Dylarian shipyards!
Duran: Mengsk can usually reenforce his border colonies within twelve hours.
DuGalle: YOU WILL SHOW THE PROPER RESPECT YOU YOUNG UPSTART!
Duran: Pfft...
Stukov: Gerard, he did just tip us off to an attack...
DuGalle: He's a BSer, therefore I hate him.
*they capture the shipyards*
Duke: Stand the hell down you rebels!
Stukov: Ahaha, we are no rebels! We are the United Earth Directorate!
Duke: BWAAAA?
*Duke gets pwned*

DuGalle: Okay, next stop Tarsonis. We're looking for a piece of anti-Zerg weaponry called the Psi Disruptor.
Duran: We should destroy it. Because, um...it's too powerful to fall into Mengsk's hands. Yes. That's why. <_<
Stukov: ...but...it could help us defeat the Zerg!
DuGalle: I agree with Duran. Destroy it.
Stukov: ...are you completely INSANE? Our mission here is to destroy the Zerg and tame the Overmind.
DuGalle: And...?
Stukov: And what better way to do that than to use the Psi Disruptor to mess with the Overmind's control of the Swarm?
DuGalle: I don't follow your logic.
Stukov: -_-'
Duran: Now to destroy the Psi Disruptor!
Ghost: We've been ordered by Admiral Stukov to relieve you and dismantle this thing ourselves.
Duran: 'k

DuGalle: Let's take out Korhal now.
Stukov: We can either disable his nuclear silos or his battlecruisers. Can't do both.
Captain: Why?
Stukov: Because we said so. Don't worry, it's an equally frustrating mission either way.
*Augustgrad is seiged*
Mengsk: FLEEEE!
DuGalle: NOT SO FAST!
Mengsk: Damnit!
Raynor: Hey! A mutual aquaintence of ours wants your sorry ass alive, so you're bein' rescued!
*Hyperion and Norad III teleport away*
DuGalle: DAMNIT! TRACK THEM!

Adjutant: We've tracked Mengsk and Raynor to Aiur, near a warp gate.
Stukov: Okay Captain, us three will hold off the surrounding Zerg, while YOU go take out that command center.
Captain: ...screw you guys.
*Warp gate activates*
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKE!
Captain: Damnit! Repel them! Push forward!
*Command center is destroyed*
Raynor: Haha, too slow!
*flees in dropship to warp gate*
Stukov: Duran! Your forces are out of position! GET THEM ZERG!
Duran: What Zerg?
Stukov: WTF YOU NUB!
Duran: I can't heeaaarr youu.....
*cuts transmission*
*Dropship flees through warp gate, which self-destructs*
Captain: So...Duran messed up.
DuGalle: I'm not worried. I'm more concerned that Stukov disobeyed my orders and moved the Psi Disruptor to Braxis.
Duran: He's obviously turned traitor and plans to sabotage your mission.
DuGalle: OF COURSE!
Duran: I'll kill him.
*Duran infiltrates the facility*
Duran: I'm here to terminate your command.
Stukov: We both know what you're here to terminate...
Captain: ...the hell does THAT mean?
*Duran kills Stukov and vanishes*
Captain: WTF THAT WASN'T A CANISTER RIFLE!
DuGalle: The core is set to overload! Quick, we must-
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKE
DuGalle: Duran is obviously a Zerg. Damn.
Captain: WE'VE BEEN HAD!

DuGalle: Huh, look at that. There's so many Zerg on Char that if we hadn't used the Disruptor our mission would be impossible.
Captain: You were pretty successfully hoodwinked, Admiral.
DuGalle: Take out those Cerebrates.
Cerebrate: Ahaha! My defenses are INVINCIBLE!
*Terrans kill Cerebrate*
Cerebrate: Ahaha! I have a Torrasque!
Torrasque: Fear my resurrection abilities.
*Terrans kill Cerebrate*
Cerebrate: Um...I have no cool abilities. I just make lots of Infested Terrans.
Captain: Lame.
*Terrans kill Cerebrate*
DuGalle: To the Overmind!
*Overmind is rendered docile*
Kerrigan: Sup nubs.
DuGalle: WHO DA HELL ARE YOU?
Duran: She's the Queen of Blades, foo. And she's made alliances with EVERYBODY against YOU!
DuGalle: But we have the Psi Disruptor!
Kerrigan: Not for loong...

*propaganda*

Spoiler: "Chapter 9 - The Zerg Expansion" (click to show/hide)

Kerrigan: Sup random Cerebrate. You'll notice I cut you off from the new Overmind.
Cerebrate: WTF HAX
Kerrigan: Stfu and go reclaim my hive clusters.
Cerebrate: Very well then. Larvae, MUTATE!
Larvae: This program is not responding. It may be waiting for a response from you or it may have stopped running.
Cerebrate: ...
Duran: Kerrigan, you just HAD to keep Larvae 98 didn't you?

***

Kerrigan: Wassap Jimmy?
Raynor: ...
Kerrigan: Lousy psi disruptor's causing me lots of problems.
Raynor: Later on you can explain why I care. So why'd you want Mengsk?
Mengsk: YEAH, WHADDAYA WANT?
Kerrigan: I need your psi emitters.
Mengsk: What do I get in return?
Kerrigan: Well, I won't kill you.
Mengsk: ...
Kerrigan: And I'll, um, help you retake Korhal!
Mengsk: SOLD!
Raynor: Okay boys, take out those generators!
*they do*
Mengsk: You can use this psi emitted to capture any rogue Zerg you find.
Kerrigan: Wow, cool!
Blizz level designers: ^_^
SCV: >_>
Kerrigan: DESTROY THE PSI DISRUPTOR!
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKE

Fenix: So...think she'll turn on us now?
Raynor: Not until we pwn the UED.
Mengsk: If you ask me-
Raynor: SHADDAP!
Mengsk: ._.
Kerrigan: Play nice, boys.
Fenix: We ready to assault Korhal?
Kerrigan: Almost. First we should raid Moria and pilfer some minerals.
Fenix: I shall lead the assault myself!
Raynor: TO BATTLE!
*they leave*
Duran: Think they suspect anything?
Kerrigan: Probably.

The next part is taken word-for-word from the mission script, because I can't think of a way to make it funnier.

Fenix: It is difficult to believe that I am working along side my greatest enemy in order to save this sector. Fortune has been whimsical of late
Raynor: You sound like a tired old man, Fenix!
Fenix: Don't let the fact that I am three hundred and sixty eight years older than you dull your impression of me, young Raynor. I can still...how do you Terrans say it..."Throw down with the best of them!"
Raynor: I stand corrected.

Fenix: *rambles on for a while* Okay, we've got enough resources!
Cerebrate: Finally! He shuts up!

Kerrigan: Ahahaha, now we shall strike!
Mengsk: ^_^
Kerrigan: Oh look, the UED sent its pet Zerg to help!
Cerebrate: I'll pwn them anyway.
*he does*
Kerrigan: EXCELLENT WORK! Arcturus, Korhal is yours.
Mengsk: AH AM THE EMPEROR OF THA TERRAN DOMINION!

Kerrigan: Now it's time for phase 2. We attack Char.
Duran: What about these nubs on Korhal?
Kerrigan: Oh, right. We kill them too.
Duran: If we strike now, we can take them by surprise!
Cerebrate: DO IT!
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKE
*six minutes of unhindered carnage*
Marine: OMFG BACKSTABBERS! RETALIATE!
Kerrigan: Continue the attack!
Duke: Well well, we meet again.
Kerrigan: Heya, Duke. I always wanted to have you killed. This is kind of exciting for me.
Duke: YOU AIN'T TAKIN EDMUND DUKE WITHOUT A FIGHT!
Cerebrate: O RLY?
*12 Scourges*
Duke: Oh sh-
*Norad III goes down*
Mengsk: WE HAD A DEAL!
Kerrigan: What, you actually thought I wouldn't seek revenge for you feeding me to the Zerg?
Mengsk: You said-
Kerrigan: I say lots of things. I liberated Korhal because it was the UED's staging point. Fooled ya!
Mengsk: ._.
Kerrigan: Aw, don't worry Arcturus. Just remember, it was you who set me loose in the first place. ^_____^
Fenix: You betrayed us!
Kerrigan: Yuppers. Ready to die again?
Fenix: You won't find me easy prey!
Cerebrate: ^__________^
Fenix: ...what?
*Spawn Broodling*
Cerebrate: XD
Raynor: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO! I'll see you dead for this, Kerrigan!
Kerrigan: You don't have what it takes to be a killer.
Raynor: It may not be tomorrow, it may not be with an army, but I'm gonna be the one who kills you some day. See ya around!
Kerrigan: Another satisfying day. Let's return to Tarsonis to rest.

Duran: Uh...there's a big-ass Zerg force decending from orbit.
Kerrigan: Aw, bloody hell. The UED really wants me to pwn them.
Duran: Shall I rally your forces?
Kerrigan: Duh.
Duran: Oh hey, a Terran facility. There's a bunch of scientists doing something.
Kerrigan: I bet these "scientists" are helping coordinate the attack.
Duran: Cererbate, focus on the facility. KILL THOSE SCIENTISTS!
*they do*
Scientists: Urk!
UED Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKE
Cererbate: How ironic. ^_^

Kerrigan: Shakuras now. I need to capture Raszagal.
Cerebrate: Why?
Kerrigan: You'll see...
Duran: We need a diversion. If we cause power surges in the pylon clusters surrounding the Protoss fortress, that should overload their power grids.
Cerebrate: Wow, these Brood War missions are way more complicated and interesting than the original campaigns.
Blizz level designers: ^_^
*Duran sets charges*
Kerrigan: Cool. Blow it up!
*Talematros a'splodes*

Kerrigan: And now we can slay the Overmind.
Duran: But...only Dark Templar can destroy the...oh. Oh.
Kerrigan: ^_^
Zeratul: I demand to know why you've taken our Matriarch!
Kerrigan: Hehe. I stole her so you'd come follow me. I need you to help me slay the Overmind.
Zeratul: Hah!
Raszagal: The Overmind is our common enemy, Zeratul. You must destroy it!
Zeratul: You want me to help a BSer!?
Raszagal: Ya.
Zeratul: K.
*Dark Templar slay the Overmind*
Zeratul: Now release the Matriarch!
Kerrigan: Okay...tee hee! Razzy, you're free to go.
Raszagal: Nah.
Zeratul: !!!
Kerrigan: She don't want to go! XD
Zeratul: Hax!
Kerrigan: Okay, you've caught me. Raszagal is my SLAVE! Pretty good, eh?
Zeratul: We'll see about that...

Duran: All the Zerg in this sector have reverted to your control, My Queen! But somehow Zeratul recaptured their Matriarch!
Kerrigan: Hm. Didn't see that coming. Where'd they go?
Duran: They're holding her in a stasis cell on Char.
Kerrigan: Go get 'em, Cerebrate.
Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKE
Cerebrate: That's getting kind of old...
*stasis cell is destroyed*
Zeratul: Looks like I have only one choice...
*Zeratul kills Raszagal*
Raszagal: I'm free. But I'm also dying. So I'm making you the Patriarch of the Dark Templar.
Kerrigan: Teamkiller!
Zeratul: Better I kill her than let her live as your SLAVE.
Kerrigan: True dat. Okay, you can go.
Zeratul: ???
Kerrigan: You can go. 'cause from now on, every living moment will be your torture. You'll never be able to forgive yourself for what I've forced you do to.
Zeratul: ;_;
Cerebrate: Holy crap, this campaign is well-written!
Blizz writers: ^____^

Spoiler: "OMG SECRET MISSION" (click to show/hide)

Zeratul: We just got owned. In the face.
High Templar: Huh. We're tracking Protoss power signatures from that inconspucious uncharted moon.
Zeratul: Interesting...LET'S GO LOOK!
Templar: We're picking up a Terran compound nearby!
Zeratul: The plot thickens...oh hey, stasis cells - OMG A PROTOSS!
*a'splodes*
Zeratul: Nub Terrans don't know how to use Pylons. But why was there a Protoss in that cell...? Let's look at this one.
Adjutant: DNA code compiled and archived.
Zeratul: THE AUDACITY! The - THERE'S A ZERGLING IN THAT TANK!
Adjutant: Gene splicing completed.
Zeratul: ...holy moly...I've never seen anything like THIS before...
Adjutant: Protoss/Zerg hybrid, in perfect cryogenic hibernation. Psionic eminations minimal.
Zeratul: ...what...the...fu-
Duran: Magnificent, isn't it?
Zeratul: Who the...?
Duran: Are you ready for my best line in the entire game?
Zeratul: ...?
Duran: I've had many names throughout the millennia, young prodigal. You would know me best as "Samir Duran".
Blizz writers: Cool line, huh?
Zeratul: So this is Kerrigan's twisted scheme!
Duran: Young Kerrigan could not have engineered this..."grand experiment".
Zeratul: Now where have I heard that phrase before...?
Xel'Naga: >_>'
Duran: I serve a far greater power, one that has slept dormant for countless ages.
Zeratul: What he possibly be referring to?
Xel'Naga: <_<;
Duran: Behold the culmination of your history.
Zeratul: All I behold is an ABOMINATION.
Duran: Heh. You can destroy all of the specimens here; it will make no difference. I have hidden the hybrid on countless worlds. You'll never find them all before they awaken! HYBRID RUSH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Zerg campaign.

Kerrigan: Cerebrate, there's three fleets converging on our platform. Duran's dissapeared...
Xel'Naga: >_>;'
Kerrigan: ...so you'll have to hold them off by yourself.
Cerebrate: ...lovely.
Mengsk: Have I caught you at a bad time?
Kerrigan: Not really. It'll take more than your three little fleets to bring me down.
Mengsk: Uh...three fleet?
Kerrigan: Don't play dumb. I've already-
Artanis: WE HAVE COME TO AVENGE THE DEATHS OF RASZAGAL, FENIX, AND ALL THE PROTOSS YOU'VE SLAIN.
Kerrigan: When it rains, it pours...
Cerebrate: I know who the third fleet is! It's gotta be Raynor's Raiders!
Kerrigan: Nub, it's obviously the remainder of the UED expeditionary fleet.
DuGalle: That's right.
Cerebrate: ._.
DuGalle: Surrender!
Kerrigan: Lemmie think about that...no.

Ready for another awesome line that I just can't make any better?

Kerrigan: You see, at this point... I'm pretty much the Queen ***** of the Universe. And not all of your little soldiers or space ships will stand in my way again.

*forces clash*

Mengsk: Bah, you beat me again. I'll get you one day.

Artanis: Hax. You've won today, but we'll best you yet!

DuGalle: Okay, okay, I'm prepared to offer terms of my surrender.
Kerrigan: Uh, no. I don't take prisoners. How about instead I let you turn around and head back to Earth, and then send the Swarms after you?
DuGalle: ...this whole "expeditionary fleet" thing is turning out to be not such a good idea.

DuGalle: *suicide*
*UED fleet is overtaken*
Kerrigan: ^______^

FIN